Last week I was interviewed on the HonestSpeaks blog by Rachael Blair for her Ordinary People series.
Rachael asked me about the inspiration behind The Eight of Swords, whether I believe in reincarnation and to reveal a secret (or something surprising about myself.) There are other great questions too - do head to the HonestSpeaks blog not only to find out more about me and my writing but to enjoy Rachael’s short stories, poetry and other interviews.
Le Canard Bleu
Daisy dressed very flamboyantly for our night out. I saw Scarlett wince a little as he floated down the stairs in an ensemble that plainly made him feel a million dollars. She managed not to comment much to my relief and left the compliments to me.
“Oh, you look, really er stunning Daisy.” Stunning seemed like a good word, he would be flattered by it and it explained how we felt for quite different reasons.
Stunned.
He kissed me on both cheeks leaving smudges of bright orange lipstick on my face. Scarlett moved back in time for his kisses to hit only the air.
“Have you worn that on stage yet?” Scarlett’s eyes traversed the length of his gold sequined gown and rested on the diamante platform size thirteen’s poking out beneath the hemline.
Daisy grinned to reveal orange lipstick smudges on his yellow teeth, “No this is the first outing, the christening, the debut!”
“Wow,” said Scarlett dropping me a crafty wink. “We must be off somewhere special then. Are we underdressed for you Daisy?”
He thoughtfully surveyed our outfits. I wore a dark blue dress, a scarf printed with a fish pattern and ballet pumps. Scarlett of course looked effortlessly glamorous in a cream leather mini dress; she wore her hair in a French knot and towered over me in caramel colour stilettos. I felt invisible next to them. “You’ll do.”
“Where are we going?” Excitement and curiosity coursed through my veins. Are we going to your club?”
Daisy stroked his latest wig, a platinum blonde number that spilled over his broad shoulders. “That’s an idea, we could do that later, not been there for ages. No, I found a lovely little restaurant in one of those eatery guides, I’ve not been there before but it looks lush.”
I guessed he’d learnt the word lush from the girls at the club.
We clambered into a taxi and I watched the driver’s expression as he caught sight of Daisy in his rearview mirror. He raised his eyebrows a little but managed to retain his composure, a quick glance at Scarlett seemed to reassure him he’d not been ambushed by drag queens, “Where to?”
“Le Canard Bleu, d’yknow it dear?”
“Nah mate, never heard of that one.”
“Madam if you don’t mind.”
Scarlett and I slid down in our seats wanting to disappear. The driver raised his eyebrows and muttered an obscenity under his breath. “Whatever. What street is it on?”
Daisy leant forward to show him the page he’d torn out of the guide. His perfume filled the cab, a pungent sweet smell of cinnamon wafted up our nostrils.
“Oh yeah, I do know it, recently changed ownership. Used to be The Pink Duck, but was closed down by health and safety I think. Wonder why they changed the colour to blue.”
“Never mind about that, it has good reviews now so shall we be on our way?”
“Right ho Duck,” said the driver and I couldn’t help but let out a snort of laughter. I could feel Scarlett giggling beside me and soon it became hysterics. Daisy held his nose haughtily in the air doing his best to ignore us. He adopted a different character when dressed as a lady, as if he thought anyone would really believe he was one with his broad shoulders, massive feet and square jaw line. I so wished my father could see him now.
It so happened Le Canard Bleu turned out to be a very friendly, relaxed place. Dasiy flirted outrageously with the waiters and they humoured him beautifully. For a few hours I found myself distracted from the worries of my aunt’s illness.
The wine flowed so freely the three of us soon became very merry.
Daisy excused himself to go to the toilet and Scarlett and I speculated which he would use and what a shock it would be for any man to find him in the gents. Our eyes followed him to the door marked ‘Messieurs’ and we sniggered. Then we forgot all about him because a muscular young man with the bluest eyes I had ever seen approached our table and struck up a conversation about the food. Typically his attention focused on Scarlett and she seem entranced by him so it was only me who saw a very red faced man come flying out of the men’s toilet, his eyes bulging and mouth gaping. I watched as he strode over to the bar and demanded to see the manager. Daisy sauntered out behind him, pulling up his knickers beneath his dress: so much for being a lady.
“What did you get up to in there?” I asked as soon as he reached the table.
The young man handed Scarlett a card, nodded goodbye, cast a glance at Daisy and rapidly retreated into the depths of the restaurant.
“Well what do you think?” He looked at me aghast. “I went for a pee of course.”
“But that man,” I pointed to the red faced balding man by the bar. “He came out in one hell of a rush, as if he were being chased.”
Daisy stared over at him. “He should be so lucky!”
“He’s asking for the manager.”
“Well he can ask away, I’ve done nothing wrong. Just used the urinal like any chap would do.”
We giggled at the image of Daisy in his gold dress hitching it up to pee.
“I don’t think he sees you as just any chap.”
Somehow the manager did a good job of placating man with the red face; he glanced over at us and smiled.
“Best send him over a brandy. Apparently he’s never seen a lady take a pee before.” Daisy’s expression remained completely deadpan.
In the end we didn’t feel like going on to Daisy’s club, we were too tired and too drunk to bother. We arrived home to find Maddy curled up on the sofa with Goddard. I wanted to ask if it was Frank’s night off but Daisy beat me to it.
Maddy let forth a string of expletives at him, “You drunk pigs, what you know, eh?”
Goddard sat up straight, “Frank?”
Maddy protectively grabbed Goddard’s hand. “Take no notice him, he drunk and trying to wind you up darlin’. Shutup you freak. Look at what you wearing, mutton dressed up like Olympic bloody flame.”
Daisy smiled a dangerously cool smile, “Frank left his Viagra behind. Do you want it Goddard? Then you too can make her scream with passion like he did the other night?”
I felt I should stop him going any further but he’d already gone too far. My head span with alcohol and I felt sick. “That’s enough you two,” I said weakly but as if I didn’t mean it at all.
Daisy couldn’t be deterred from sticking the knife in further, “Not that we all want another sleepless night. Stick something in her gob Goddard, to keep her quiet.”
I pulled at Daisy’s arm, “Come on, I’ll make us coffee.”
“He just jealous he no get no sex because he a freak, a FREAK!” screamed Maddy.
Goddard sat, staring at the floor, his pigeon chest caving in on itself. I wondered that she fancied him at all. Poor Goddard, Frank seemed to be an arrogant git, but it could not be denied his looks were far superior. “I think I’ll go home.” His weak little voice could barely be heard above Maddy’s expletives.
I fell into bed still dressed and passed out. The next thing I knew, spindly shards of daylight were poking through the curtains at me, shooting sharp hot pains through my head every time I squinted at them. Memories of the night before replayed like a movie I’d seen a very long time ago. I vaguely wondered if Goddard had gone home, if Maddy had killed Daisy and whether I would summon up the energy to call the agency. I groaned and turned over onto my front. I wanted to go to sleep again but the hangover pains and my rumbling stomach made me get up, grab a jumper and set off downstairs in search of a cure.
Armed with coffee and paracetamol I went into the sitting room to find Maddy curled up on the sofa next to a gently snoring Goddard. The pathetic little trumpet player hadn’t even summoned up the energy to leave. Maybe he actually loved Maddy. I found that hard to believe, I’d never met anyone so selfish. Perhaps one day she would fall in love and change. It wasn’t a scenario I could imagine. I decided to go back upstairs to my bed. As soon as I reached my room my mobile rang.
“I had to call an ambulance for Aunty Clara last night, she suddenly felt terrible. They think it might be a panic attack but are keeping her in for observation. Can you come over?” My mother sounded as if she were the one having the panic attack.
“To the hospital?”
“Of course to the hospital!” she snapped.
I told her I’d be there as quickly as I could. Shoving two paracetamol into my mouth, I took a gulp of coffee to wash them down then pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and scraped a comb through my hair. Grabbing my jacket, I tucked it under one arm as I brushed my teeth. My heart thumped in my chest. Calm down, I thought, it’s probably nothing.
I bumped into Daisy as I came out of my room. “Hey where are you off to? You look awful.”
I explained, hastily thanked him for our night out and jumped down the stairs eager to get away.
Typically everything seems to run in slow motion when you need to be somewhere fast. People fumbled with their change at ticket machines, the tube seemed to wait far too long at stations, people walked too slowly and when I got to the hospital the corridors were crowded with people who wouldn’t get out of my way.
Mother had told me I’d find my aunt in the assessment unit; they hadn’t found her a bed on a ward yet. I walked for miles trying to find it. Eventually a young woman grabbed my arm, “You look lost,” she said kindly. “Can I help you?”
Within minutes I found myself beside my pale aunt. She smiled weakly and held out a hand, “Hello you.”
I stared at the tubes in her arm. “What happened?”
“I felt bad but I’m feeling a little better now.”
She didn’t sound convincing.
“Bad how?”
“Oh faint and lots of pain in my legs, I could barely stand up. They feel, well they’re still aching but I think…” Her voice trailed off.
I poured her some water. The assessment ward housed eight beds. An old man groaned in the corner. The smell of poo crept up my nostrils. This was no place for my favourite aunt.
“Where’s Mum?”
“I sent her home to get some sleep. Don’t want her collapsing as well.” She smiled faintly. “Sit here and tell me about being a fish, I need distracting. You look pale yourself?”
“Night out with Daisy and Scarlett, need I say more?” I laughed a little.
“Oh well you must tell me about that then!” As she spoke she winced in pain.
“Well Daisy looked a bit like the Olympic flame in his gold dress and platinum wig, Scarlett as usual turned heads because she is insanely gorgeous and I swam with the flow like the little fish I am. We came home to find Maddy with her trumpet player who promptly had his illusions of Maddy’s faithfulness to him blown away by Daisy. Living in that house is like living in a constantly erupting volcano.”
Aunty Clara chuckled, “They are quite something aren’t they?”
“No one needs to watch Eastenders for drama where we live, let’s put it that way.” I stared intently at her. “Can I get you anything?”
“No dear, I’m too tired to read. It’s hot in here isn’t it?”
I nodded my head and wanted to say the smell of poo didn’t help but refrained from doing so. Perhaps she hadn’t noticed and I didn’t want to draw her attention to it.
“Tell me about being a fish.”
Why was she suddenly going on about my being a fish? Then a distant memory floated into my mind of her honeymoon trip. As a child she’d told me about how they went diving in tropical waters. Maybe she wanted to relive it. If it comforted her in anyway whatsoever, I would happily talk to her about my time as a fish.
I sat on the high-backed chair next to her bed, leant across and stroked her arm as I spoke. I felt like a parent telling a child a story, a fantastical story of aquatic creatures that had once been my companions in the London Aquarium. A life of swimming around a large tank, wondering about the faces behind the glass, not ever knowing I would become one of them. “I had a son,” I said, almost to myself, “I’ll never know what happened to him.” I told her about the conger eels, the hungry sharks, the divers who would occasionally appear to examine us. I had no idea why at the time of course, my fish brain saw them as weird aliens to be examined, but they were only there to check us for disease. It occurred to me that as a Ray I lived without fear. The aquarium was a protected environment, without any predators, no sea storms or oil spills, but a place of calm tranquility for us to exist and that’s all we did really: exist.
“Maybe that’s why I find this life a little bit much,” I gazed around the ward with the machine’s beeping and busy nurses, “I really miss the tranquility of the tank.”
Aunty Clara sighed, her eyes closed. “If only we could all live like that, in a place of beauty and peace.”
“Well it wasn’t exactly beautiful. Remember that book you showed me when I was little? I’m sure I would have preferred to live in those tropical seas.”
“You could get on a plane and visit them in this life instead. Nothing can stop you, except yourself.”
I didn’t know at that precise moment but I would carry her words with me for the rest of my life and pull them out of my subconscious whenever I became indecisive or scared. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give a person is positive words, but I only came to realize that with maturity. “I’m not going anywhere until you are better.” I said in the full knowledge that this might never happen. Then I realized something, not once had she said I was a fantasist or silly or having a laugh. She seemed to accept my memories as the truth. Only Daisy had truly made me feel normal for remembering my previous life up until now and I thought that had something to do with him wanting to be accepted for who he was too.
Suddenly she reached over and grasped my hand and held it as tightly as her weakened state allowed. “You will go though, won’t you?” she demanded, spittle forming on her lips, “Swear to me you will.”
I returned the pressure, “Yes I will Aunty Clara, I will.” At that very moment I’d have abseiled down the hospital building if she’d demanded it, but I resolved to do it, not only to please her but to satisfy my own curiosity.
“And another thing.”
I waited, somewhat concerned that there was another thing.
“Find a man who loves you, not some idiot who plays you around. This Ryan, well he doesn’t see your worth. Don’t waste your time on those that don’t realize your worth.”
I sucked in my breath; this was more difficult, I couldn’t help my feelings. “Hmm.”
“No hmm about it, there are good men in the world, don’t rest until you find one.”
I imagined myself as ninety and still looking. “Yes Aunty Clara.” I chimed like a ten year old in response to the calling out of the register.
Before I could be made to commit to any more demands I asked when Tammy and Christian were likely to arrive.
“I haven’t called them yet.”
My mouth dropped open. “You what? You better give me their numbers and I’ll call them. I can’t believe you haven’t called them, that’s crazy!”
“They are so busy, I don’t want them worrying and coming all the way back here to find I’m all right.”
“But you’re not all right.” My voice became a little shrill and the woman in the bed opposite glared at me over the top of her glasses. “Sorry,” I said and waved an apologetic hand. “They’ll be so upset if they find out about all this…” I wanted to say ‘too late’ but manage to stop myself just in time.
“They are so wrapped up in their own lives these days. I don’t want to disturb them. I haven’t spoken to Christian for nearly a month.”
I saw the pain in her eyes and suddenly felt furious. “Give me their numbers, I’ll call them.”
“Oh they are in my address book at home.”
“Don’t you have your mobile with you?”
“No, we left in such a rush.”
I felt my cheeks reddening in frustration and fury. “I’ll call them later when Mum gets here.”
“Let’s wait. I’m sure they’ll let me out tomorrow.”
“I don’t care. I’ll call them whether you are here or not.” I heard my voice crack with emotion and steadied myself, I didn’t want to upset her.
For the next few hours I never left her side, except to go pee.
© Petra Kidd 2013
Before I was born onto land… I was a fish
Also by Petra Kidd
You can connect with Petra Kidd via Twitter @PetraKidd or visit her
Facebook page here Petra Kidd Writes
The next chapter of Before I was born onto land I was a fish will be posted next Sunday.
I will never erase the image from my mind of Aunt Clara’s straight back facing me as I walked into the consultant’s room. She seemed so still and composed. I nodded to the consultant, a man with a very pale face and a cowlick fringe. Glancing at my aunt I said to him, “I’m Mira.”
“I’m Mr Wren, your aunt’s consultant.”
“I er know.” The nurse had told me his name, what a great doctor he was, how he ‘knew his stuff.’
Still Aunty Clara said nothing; she just sat rigidly staring into space. His tone and her demeanour told me all I needed to know but I kept silent. If no one said the words, there might still be hope this wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be.
Mr Wren cocked his head to one side, like the bird in his name. “The tests have revealed a rapidly spreading cancer in your aunt’s bones, it is known as Ewing’s sarcoma. It’s quite rare and your aunt will need to go to a specialist center for more tests and treatment, luckily we have one not too far away. The first thing we need to do is start with a course of chemotherapy, as soon as the first course is done, we’ll operate.” He leant forward on the desk and clasped his hands together. “Your aunt will need a lot of care and attention, she’ll have to have radiotherapy too; she’s going to need all the support she can get.”
Still Aunty Clara sat rigidly and her expression suggested she were miles away, as if this were a strange dream. It didn’t seem enough to reach out and hold her hand. I wanted to ask the prognosis but didn’t dare. Instead I nodded and tried not to let the torrent of emotion that threatened to grip me take over.
“I will forward your notes to the appropriate departments and they will be in touch before the end of the week.”
“That’s quick,” I blurted out, horrified at the immediacy.
He narrowed his eyes a moment and glanced at Aunty Clara. “It’s best that we get on with treating you Mrs Armes, that way we can be sure of the best outcome.”
We left in a daze. Aunty Clara walked slowly at my side, holding onto my arm. I didn’t know what to say, so for a long time I said nothing. We took a taxi back to her house. I helped her in, helped her take off her coat, sat her in an armchair and went into the kitchen to make tea. I kept thinking I should call my mother and Tammy and Christian. Why weren’t they here? Why had we been left to cope with all this on our own?
Placing a mug of tea on the table next to her, I then fell to my knees, clasped her hands in mine and looked into her eyes, dark eyes, full of pain and confusion. “Mum said you had, er it, but we had no idea how bad.”
“Nor did I,” she breathed out the words with some effort. “I wouldn’t have let you come had I expected such dreadful news. I’m so sorry.”
“You’re sorry!” Incredulous at her thoughts for my feelings I squeezed her fingers tightly. “You must never be sorry. Thank goodness I did come; it would have been even more awful if you’d been alone. I must phone Mum.”
She gripped my hand, “No not yet, let’s just sit a while and think. I don’t want to cope with the reactions from other people just yet.”
“I’ll stay here tonight, you mustn’t be alone.”
She nodded weakly.
“Let me phone Scarlett, she’ll be waiting to put me through her torture sessions again, I don’t want her to be worried.”
Aunty Clara reluctantly released her grip.
“I’ll be right back.” I went into the kitchen to call Scarlett in private. Scarlett let out sounds of mortification as I told her what had happened; assured me bootcamp could wait and sent imaginary hugs across the network. Her sympathy made me well up inside. I took a few moments to regain my composure before going back to my aunt. “All done,” I said quietly and dropped once more to the floor beside her chair.
We sat for a while quietly holding hands and occasionally muttering about things that we needed to do but were in no hurry to.
It grew dark. I stood up to draw the curtains and switch on lamps. The room looked so much smaller than when I had been a child. The furnishings changed almost completely from how I remembered them, Aunty Clara loved interior design. “Can I phone Mum now?”
Aunty Clara shook her head, “Let’s do it in the morning, I’m so tired, I would prefer to sleep before breaking the news to everyone.”
“I can do it for you.” I didn’t sound convincing.
She smiled, “No my love, having you here is enough for now, I can make the calls.” Suddenly, for the first time since we’d returned from the hospital, her features came to life again. “You must be hungry, I think there’s soup in the fridge and I bought some fresh rolls this morning, and if we’re really lucky there might be some chocolate cake left.”
We picked at the food I found in the fridge. Really we were too exhausted to eat but we knew we needed sustenance. I saw my aunt to bed then retreated to the blue room where I’d stayed as a child. Nothing had changed in there. Instead of magical, it now seemed cold and unforgiving. I curled up in a ball on the bed and sobbed myself to sleep.
The night brought intermittent rain showers that kept waking me. Each time I woke I remembered the terrible news and lay in a kind of waking nightmare trying to imagine what would happen next. I knew very little about cancer, only that people became horribly ill with it, sometimes they died and sometimes they lived for quite a considerable length of time. There were so many types, so many ways it affected people. I vaguely remembered a teacher who’d left school because of it but she hadn’t taught me so I didn’t pay much attention. Given my aunt’s reaction to Dr Wren’s words I instinctively chose not to ask for a prognosis. She hadn’t said much as we ate that evening, she seemed too exhausted.
I lay wide awake through the early hours, my mind racing through the happy times we’d had together and how the treatments might affect her. I resolved to be there for her as much as I possibly could be.
My mother arrived with us just after noon, she looked tired and her eyes were red. She embraced my aunt and held me tightly before disappearing into the kitchen to make tea. Aunty Clara had called her that morning; she seemed more together after what she described as a wonderful sleep. She kept saying that all would be well. I wondered whether she was trying to convince us or herself. “I don’t want any fuss; we’re to carry on as normal.”
I shrugged, “Whatever that is.”
“Well you wouldn’t know,” she smiled. “You were a fish so you’re not normal now are you?”
Her teasing tone brought a rush of relief to me; her spirit seemed to have returned. “No, one thing I’m not is normal”. We laughed.
“Shall we all go to the cinema? There’s a film I really want to see before I start treatment, I think it’s still on.”
While she was upstairs finding her coat and shoes my mother told me she would be staying here now so I wasn’t to worry, I could go back to the house if I wanted to.
“I’ll come with you both when I can,” I said, feeling awful that I had to leave. “I mean to the treatments.”
“Don’t worry about that, just come here whenever it’s possible for you dear, that’s the important thing. We’ll need you to keep us entertained.”
I thought of the entertaining Scarlett wanted me to do at the club and sighed. “Of course, I’ll pop over at the weekend.”
We spent the afternoon watching a very silly comedy in a virtually empty cinema. Afterwards we discussed it over hot chocolate and wicked cream cakes in a very nice city hotel. Then I left them and caught the tube to make my way back to the house. Mother had given me fifty pounds to tide me over until I started the next job. I really ought to sort myself out I thought. As much as I dreaded going to do my stint at the club, perhaps a regular job there for the next few months would be helpful. It would free me up during the day to be with them both.
Another disturbed night, Maddy brought Frank home and they spent the night groaning and squealing their way through apparently passionate sex. I rather wickedly wondered if he thought Scarlett might be home and trying to impress her by making Maddy scream in ecstasy as loudly as possible. Even a pillow over my head couldn’t drown it out. It wasn’t as if I could stomp in and tell them off, the last thing I wanted in my mind was the image of hairy Frank and Maddy locked together in some Karma Sutric pose. Despite his best efforts Scarlett would be at the club and happily for her oblivious.
Eventually they exhausted themselves and I fell into a deep stupor of sleep, vowing as I lost consciousness to write out a set of new house rules to present Maddy with first thing.
I managed to sleep until ten o’clock then woke to the sound of a motorbike revving in the street below. One day I would go back to live in the country, cockerels were quiet compared to city and rampant Maddy sounds.
The pair of them appeared in the kitchen just as I poured a bowl of cereal. Frank gave me a smug grin. “Hope we didn’t disturb you last night?” Obviously he couldn’t care less if he had.
I kept my expression blank, “Didn’t hear a thing, too exhausted.” What an egotistical git.
“Any coffee going?” he grinned and I guessed he thought he was being charming.
“In the cupboard, kettle’s just boiled, help yourself.”
Maddy stared at me, “What’s up with you?”
I’d waited on her too many times and now she expected it as a matter of course. “I thought you two split up?”
Grumpily she flung open the cupboard door and pulled out a jar of instant coffee. “It just happened.”
“She can’t keep away from me,” smirked Frank pulling out the chair next to me and sitting down. “No Scarlett today?”
“Not seen her no, Goddard on tour again Maddy?”
“Er yuh. Where is sugar?”
I pointed to the caddy where we kept the sugar marveling at the fact she’d lived in the house much longer than me and still didn’t know where things were. I’d fallen straight into the trap of doing things for her but those days were at an end.
Then, to my delight Daisy appeared, trailing a long pink dressing gown train behind him. He glided in like the diva he’d become. Marvin’s championing of him had worked wonders for his self-confidence. I jumped up to make him coffee and switched on the grill to toast bread for him. Maddy glowered at my sudden animation.
“Darling, where have you been?” He wrapped his long arms about my shoulders and theatrically air kissed my cheeks. He turned to Maddy and Frank, “Ooh look at you too in your sexual afterglow, you been taking Viagra Frank?”
Frank shifted in his seat and gave a nervous little laugh. “Kept you awake then?”
“Half the street I should think, you naughty boy. Must try Viagra some time, any side effects?” Daisy stared at Frank so hard I could almost see the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.
Frank coughed, “I wouldn’t know, I don’t take it.”
“Oh is that so?” Daisy frowned and withdrew a packet from his dressing gown pocket. “Hmm I wonder who these belong to then, I found them on the floor outside Maddy’s room.” He threw them onto the table, “Well you may as well have them sweetie, it’s not like you’re getting any younger.”
A cereal flake went down the wrong way and I started to choke. Daisy reached over and slapped me on the back. “There there dear.”
I thought my lungs would burst trying to choke back my laughter.
Maddy pulled at Frank’s arm, “Let’s go, I not staying here for the freak to take the pees.”
“Tootle loo.” Daisy waved them off, rattling the pills Frank left behind. “Sweetie you forgot these!”
“Daisy you are quite brilliant!” I reached up and hugged him. “Bet they don’t bonk so loudly in future.”
He touched his temple, “Psychology m’dear; works every time. Don’t know who he thinks he is. You poor love, you must have been kept awake with your room being next door. Thoughtless idiots! How are you?”
I burst into tears.
“There, there, don’t cry, whatever’s the matter?”
I explained about Aunty Clara. “I don’t know how long she’s got, it’s awful. I don’t know what to do.”
“Oh babe, that’s so sad.” He sat hugging me tightly for some minutes. “And then you come home needing to sleep and you had to listen to Mr Big Balls and the midget pretending they were in a porn film.”
I laughed, “Oh Daisy, you are too funny, thanks for being so kind.”
“Listen, I’ve been earning so much more at the club, I want to take you and Scarlett out for dinner at the weekend. That’ll cheer you up.”
I smiled at him through my tears. “Oh Daisy, I do love you. Looks like I might be working with you soon, filling in for Scarlett.” I explained the Ryan situation. He opened his eyes wide, “Ooh er, he doesn’t know about his sister? My goodness, he will get surprise if he recognizes you. Will he have Digby with him?”
The thought hadn’t occurred to me, I shuddered at the thought. “Oh I hope not!”
“Never mind, we’ll look after you. Now, go back to bed, I’ll pop out and get us some goodies to eat and we can spend the afternoon on the sofa watching old films and having a natter.”
“I should be looking for temping jobs.”
“That can wait until tomorrow, now upstairs, get some more sleep and we’ll have a lovely afternoon chilling.”
They ought to prescribe Daisy on the NHS; I thought as I trudged up the stairs, everyone would feel happier if not better in no time.
© Petra Kidd 2013
Before I was born onto land… I was a fish
Also by Petra Kidd
You can connect with Petra Kidd via Twitter @PetraKidd or visit her
Facebook page here Petra Kidd Writes
The next chapter of Before I was born onto land I was a fish will be posted next Sunday.
Josie’s husband of twenty-two years, three months and eight days stared at her from across the restaurant table. ‘A housemaid, what do we need a bloody housemaid for? That’s your domain, who are you all of a sudden Lady Muck?’
A pretty young waitress reached across to take his plate, his eyes swivelled up to meet hers and charm positively oozed from his lips. ‘I enjoyed that thanks. I like your top by the way, very becoming.’
Smiling graciously the waitress turned on her heel and headed back to the kitchen.
‘I want more time to myself, I didn’t used to mind keeping house but I could do with some help.’
From the day they married, homemaker had become her role. She’d given up her burgeoning career as an accounts manager to look after her successful young husband and prepare the nest for the twins she soon produced as a result of their fervent lovemaking.
Determined not to grow into a frump, throughout their marriage she’d maintained her good looks with regular exercise and wore expensive clothes to accentuate her good points. Whatever her efforts, her husband soon seemed not to see her, he no longer bestowed compliments or spoilt her with unexpected gifts. Instead of asking about her day, he would ask about the boys, what was for dinner and the television would be switched on in search of sport a few minutes after he arrived home from work.
When invited to company dinners he would seat her between other wives who spent the evening complaining about their husbands while he sought out pretty secretaries to flatter. He would transform from bore into Mr Charming the minute any attractive woman returned his glances.
As the boys started sixth form, and spent much of their free time out with friends, Josie found herself alone, staring at unwashed socks and pants and waiting for the call from her husband to tell her he would be late, again.
Sundays they would go out for a walk in the morning, stop at the local pub for lunch; then return home where he would snore all afternoon in front of the television. Sometimes his mobile would ping with a message and she knew it would be from his latest ‘bit on the side.’
She knew about the ‘bits on the side.’ Call it a woman’s intuition, or just plain perception. Every once in a while he’d suddenly become most particular about his laundry, nothing she could say would be right and there would be weekly evening meetings that none of the other executives seemed to attend according to the wives she knew well enough to ask. He’d make critical comments and belittle her in front of their friends at every opportunity. She let it wash over her for the most part, occasionally retaliating with a sharp retort but generally taking it as her lot in life, the downtrodden wife.
A crystal ball would be a useful tool for women she thought from time to time, but then few would probably ever get married. She could remember happy times during their marriage but every time he charmed another woman she swallowed the insult as if it were a very bitter pill. And with each pill her resentment grew like a cancer.
Now middle aged, they lived in a perfectly charming Edwardian house in a village with amenable neighbours, well kept gardens, annual events and a parish council intent on keeping everything idyllic. Who’d want to upset the apple cart? Well not Josie, not until now.
‘Well that’s all very well, but how are we going to pay for it or her should I say?’
Josie smiled and thought of all the hotel rooms, expensive restaurants and lavish little gifts he’d treated his floozies to over the years.
Her little job as a part time sales assistant in one of Millwell’s boutiques paid peanuts. Max always called it ‘your little job’ with some derision. He didn’t like her working. You could describe their marital arrangement as somewhat old fashioned.
She poured herself some water and took a sip. ‘Marie-Ann knows a Thai girl who is here for a year and looking for work, I thought she’d be ideal.’
Max shifted in his chair and tried not to show his sudden interest. ‘Oh yes, is that right?’
‘Yes.’ Josie tried to sound nonchalant. ‘Apparently she’s adorable, and according to Marie-Ann, terribly pretty.’ She watched his face carefully to note the expected response.
After a moment or two, obviously trying not to appear too enthusiastic he said, ‘That’s all very well but is she any good at keeping house we don’t want someone pretty but vacant and there’s quite a bit to do?’
Revenge Double: What Lurks Beneath and A Dish Best Served Cold
Available from Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com, you can borrow for free via Amazon Prime
So which side are you on? Despite just having published two short stories about revenge I have to say that on a personal level I am on the side of Karma because quite frankly I think life is too short for revenge.
Luckily I have been in few situations where I’d want to take revenge anyhow. You don’t seem to read so many of those media stories these days where a wife cuts all the sleeves off her husband’s shirts or empties a suitcase of his clothes onto the street. Unfortunately many stories take a more sinister turn and real damage gets done, nothing is worth that, however badly you have been hurt.
Life is for living and loving. If someone hurts you, my philosophy is to move on and make the most of the people who do care about you. Why let it ruin your life? Don’t let that person win. They say the best form of revenge is success so concentrate on that and being happy.
I do believe that karma tends to triumph, even if you don’t see it happening, I think you can rest assured that people who do bad things pay for them in some way or another. Meanwhile you can get on and get busy with your life, which is far more important.
My two short stories are pure entertainment. Although in real life I don’t believe in taking revenge, let’s be honest here, we all love to see a baddie get their come-uppance and in the realms of entertainment it provides a certain satisfaction.
Meet Josie and Tara who deal with their unfaithful husbands very differently. Josie takes her revenge into her own hands in a quite a unique way, she employs a housemaid with a difference. Tara on the other hand has been given a helping hand by fate and she turns that to her own advantage. They’ve both been hurt, are ready to move on and leave the husbands who didn’t love them enough, to their own karma.
My Revenge Double, What Lurks Beneath and A Dish Best Served Cold are available on Amazon.co.uk and Amazon.com. Amazon Prime members can borrow for free.
I hope you enjoy them and please be sure to let me know what you think!
What Lurks Beneath and A Dish Best Served Cold have been published on Amazon, two short stories with one theme – revenge!
In What Lurks Beneath Josie has finally had enough of her husband’s philandering ways and sets out to teach him a lesson he will never forget. She waits until her twin boys are away at university then hires a new housemaid, with a difference…
Tara finds that revenge is A Dish Best Served Cold and takes her unfaithful husband out for an expensive meal to coolly tell him she knows what he’s been up to. He’ll have an even bigger shock when he gets home..
Also available to customers outside the UK via Amazon.com
Great news for Amazon Prime members because you can borrow this book for free!
If you don’t own a Kindle, you can download the app to your PC, tablet or smartphone for free.
Happy reading!
Also by Petra Kidd
Hello
I am very happy to announce that my Revenge Double will be published as an eBook on Sunday 12th May and will be available via Amazon. If you don’t have a Kindle you can download the app for free to your pc, mobile or tablet.
The Revenge Double comprises two short stories: What Lurks Beneath and A Dish Best Served Cold. Two different women with one thing in common: unfaithful husbands. They exact their revenge in very different but entertaining ways.
If you happen to be an errant husband, oh dear, I have to warn you, these stories may leave you with sleepless nights!
Stop acting like a jellyfish
Ted and Ryan insisted we go to a Mexican restaurant they liked, I sat next to Katie. I listened to her drone on about beauty treatments and how her skin would never survive in a British climate and how she yearned to move somewhere warmer. I only caught snippets of Ryan telling Ted about the cat’s leg.
Instead of twenty minutes, I’d had about five to explain what a pest Digby was and how he had to call him off. He’d listened earnestly and nodded but with the noise in the pub I wondered if he’d heard much of what I said.
How to land in purgatory in a few easy steps, I thought as Katie’s endless monotone left me agitated.
“I don’t want to end up with broken capillaries.”
“Me neither.” I agreed trying to make the best of this pointless conversation.
“You girls chosen?” Ted grinned at us.
“Everything is loaded with calories.” Katie pouted.
“Oh Lumpkin, have a night off from calorie counting why don’t you?”
There followed an exchange on how Ted never put on extra weight whereas Katie only had to look at a pork pie. Ryan laughed at them both, “Eating out with you two is always such a pleasure!”
After the starters, humongous mounds of refried beans and lettuce, Katie excused herself and rushed off to the toilets.
“Probably going to throw up, she’s a bit bulimic,” Ted sighed. “How’s Scarlett?” The question seemed to be directed at me.
Ryan got up too and disappeared as if by prior arrangement.
“She’s fine.”
“Look I don’t want to seem a bastard but I really like Scarlett, could you put a word in for me?”
“But you’re with Katie.” Why should he be happy when my misery seemed to go on and on? I looked up to see Ryan deep in conversation with a very tall boy with bright ginger hair who seemed concerned about something.
“Katie and me, well we’re more friends than anything else y’know. I can’t stop thinking about Scarlett.”
“I can’t stop thinking about Ryan, could you put a word in for me?” I blurted, angry at apparently being used all the time.
Ted frowned, “Didn’t realize, I think he’s still hung up on Catya.”
“So why isn’t she here in my place right now?”
He stared at me and I could see the cogs of tact turning in his mind. “She’s er working I think.” The cogs didn’t turn smoothly enough.
So there I had it, in a nutshell, I had been invited to make up numbers, bastard. Fobbed off with Digby then used as a filler when his stunning girlfriend had other plans. I thought about making my excuses to leave but I looked up to see Ryan coming back.
“Katie still preening?” Ryan sat down and smiled. “Sorry about that, he’s worried about his pet snake. Last week I pulled a tennis ball out of its throat, stupid thing keeps trying to swallow his kid’s toys.”
“So why doesn’t he keep them out of the snake’s way?” I glared at him, “Stupid pet to have anyway.” I realized I sounded bitter and took a swig from my bottle of beer in the hope it would calm my rising rage. It didn’t.
Katie returned to the table where we now sat in silence waiting for our main course.
For the next half hour she picked at her enchilada, nibbled at the lettuce leaves and whined about the refried beans being soggy. Ted ignored her and started talking about an up and coming stag night. “You’ve got to come mate,” he said to Ryan, “Remember that club we went to when it was Gus’s stag night?” He gave an elaborate wink.
Ryan stared at him a moment, “Oh yeah, I remember. Is that where we’re going then?”
I studied the menu annoyed that they were ignoring me in their conversation but not really registering what they were saying until Ted mentioned the name of Marvin’s club. I sucked my breath in alarm.
“Apparently it’s much better than that one was. Drinks are more expensive but the er entertainment is meant to be mind blowing.”
I didn’t need to ask what the entertainment was. I turned to Katie, “Don’t you mind your boyfriend going to those sort of places?”
Ted laughed, “You mean you know where I’m talking about?”
“I’ve er heard about it yes.”
Katie shrugged. “Not bothered.”
Tired, fed up and very agitated I stared at him. “I wouldn’t want any boyfriend of mine going in a place like that.”
Ryan coughed into his napkin, “It’s just a harmless bit of fun.”
“Yes, don’t go getting your knickers in a twist.” Ted sniggered, pulling a face at me.
I wanted to spit my beer at his patronizing tone. Idiot. I’d have to warn Scarlett so she could ring in sick. Then my heart sank at the thought of what happened last time she’d rung in sick.
I decided to drop the subject and instead remained in sulky silence. Ted and Katie walked me home after I’d rather haughtily reminded Ryan to get Digby to leave me alone. He exchanged a look with Ted, shrugged and told me he’d do his best but that Digby was his ‘own man.’
Perhaps I should leave him to find out about his sister’s real life, I felt like punishing him.
I tossed and turned all night, and eventually fell asleep in the early hours. My mobile phone woke me; Jade rasped something about being sorry for not getting in touch sooner but that there wasn’t much on the books right now. As much as I liked the idea of staying in bed all day, I knew I couldn’t last long without work.
“What nothing at all?” I tried not to sound desperate but I was.
“Not at the moment lovey. You should have told that Sharon Sharman you wanted a permanent post even if you didn’t. She cut up all snotty that you wouldn’t stay on. I’ll be in touch as soon as.”
She hung up without so much as a goodbye.
I hauled myself off the bed and wandered into Scarlett’s room. Typically I found her unconscious.
I knew Daisy wouldn’t be up yet either. I badly needed an ear to bend about all my woes but I knew Maddy wouldn’t fit the bill. Finding the cereal packet empty I sat at the kitchen table and considered having a little weep but what good would that do, other than swell my eyes and make me look as useless as I felt?
If I phoned my mother, all she’d suggest would be to get on the first train home, then I would feel like failure of the century.
I decided to go and get dressed, take myself to the café down the road and spend my last fiver on tea and an egg roll. Then I could check out the jobs in the paper somewhere that didn’t make me feel so depressed.
The café brightened my mood as soon as I walked in. The steamed up windows made me feel protected from the austere outside world where grey skies threatened a downpour. There were only a few people inside, hidden behind newspapers. Mumsie as the regulars called her, stood behind the counter grinning at me, her ample bosom on show and beads of sweat on her forehead. “Alright lovey, what can I get you?”
I chose a corner table so I could observe the whole room in between staring intently at advertisements.
I read the job descriptions with mounting angst. Either I didn’t have the qualifications, or the experience or the skills or I didn’t live near enough. Some didn’t even state salary. None of them appealed. I could hear Aunty say how sometimes you could find something you liked quite by accident but all of these posts looked more like car crashes waiting to happen to me if I applied.
None of them looked the sort of job to impress Ryan either. Why did I constantly compare everything to what his unknown expectations might be? He couldn’t care less about me, I thought bitterly.
I bit into my egg roll and yolk burst in my mouth and dribbled down my chin. Hastily I wiped it off with a rough textured napkin, my eyes scanning the café to make sure no one had noticed. Of course no one had, why should they?
Oddly it seemed I only had to think of my aunt and she would appear in some form. My mobile bleeped with a message from her: Hospital appointment at 3pm, will you come with me?
My heart sank that the day had arrived and rose at the thought she realized she should have company. I replied in the affirmative and added three kisses. Poor Aunty Clara she must be so scared I thought, biting into my roll again, this time causing less of a mess.
It wasn’t until I returned to the house I remembered I had just spent my last five pounds. I hoped Scarlett might be awake so I could ask her for a loan to get to the hospital.
“Of course you can Cupcake.”
Luckily she seemed to be in a good mood. Then I remembered Ted and Ryan’s planned stag night outing. “Are you working at the club on the night of the sixth?” I asked warily.
“Um I expect so, what day is it?”
I swiftly checked the calendar on my phone, “A Saturday.”
“Then yes, why?”
I shoved the twenty-pound note she handed me into the pocket of my jeans. “It’s er, well I was out with Ryan and Ted last night and they were going on about some stag do they’ve been invited to and apparently it’s at the club.”
“Oh bum.” She flung a hand into her hair. “I knew this was going to happen at some point, just flaming knew it. That’s only a couple of weeks away isn’t it?”
I nodded grimly.
“I can’t not do it, I need the fees for that course I told you about.”
We stared blankly at one another.
“You don’t know anyone else who could do it?”
“Well probably but they’d want the money. Lots of the girls keep calling in sick; they’re a lazy bunch at the moment.”
Then she gave me the look I dreaded, the summing up look that I knew would quickly turn into a pleading look.
“No way, I can’t do it, not in front of Ryan, no way!”
“If we make you up right he won’t recognize you.”
“No way.” I repeated with a rising sense of panic.
“We could colour your hair temporarily and if we go running every day until then you’ll soon lose your muffin top.”
“My what?” I stared down in alarm. She was right, I had a roll of flesh spilling over the top of my jeans.
“What have you eaten today?”
“An egg roll.”
“No more of those for a couple of weeks. Come on, go put on some jogging bottoms and we’ll start now.”
“No way,” I repeated.
“Listen, you need some money too, stop being such a prude, come and do a few sessions, tone up and who knows, my idiot brother might finally start paying you the attention you crave.”
“What if he does recognize me? He won’t want a girlfriend who does that for a j..” I just stopped myself but it was too late.
Scarlett smiled a cool businesslike smile. “Girl you have a lot to learn, about my brother and about life. Stop wasting time and go and get changed.”
There were no seats left on the tube and my legs and back ached horribly. Scarlett had started my new fitness regime immediately with bursts of walking and sprints for half an hour round the block. “When you get back tonight we’ll do it again and you can do some sit ups too.”
“Oh can I?” I wheezed back at her.
I arrived at the hospital before my aunt and immediately looked for somewhere to sit down. Every time I went to take a seat a frail old lady or a man with one leg or a sickly looking child made for it. I gave up and leaned against a ledge until I spotted her fragile frame speeding towards the entrance. Never mind how unwell she seemed she could still trot at quite a pace. I called to her and she turned and smiled. We embraced.
“You look exhausted!”
“I am exhausted.” I explained Scarlett’s plans to put me into her version of boot camp but didn’t explain why.
“It’s a good idea,” She giggled, “You need to get fit, get those endorphins working; they might get your brain into gear.”
“Oh thanks a lot.”
She took my arm and we stared at signs trying to see the department listed we were due to visit. A volunteer dashed over and asked if he could help. Ten minutes later it seemed as if we’d walked the length of the hospital. I don’t know who was more breathless by the time we reached our destination. People sat in silent rows staring at magazines only looking up briefly to check the large wall clock. We checked her in and seated ourselves at a distance from everyone else. “Don’t want to catch anything.” I whispered into her ear and she giggled, more out of nervousness than amusement I suspected. “I’ll go see if there are any magazines less than two years out of date.”
I flicked to the agony column first, if only I could find someone with exactly the same problems as me so I wouldn’t have to write in, not that I ever would.
A skinny nurse with a lisp called my aunt in. I stood up to go with her but she held up a hand to stop me. “I’ll be fine,” She said but I didn’t feel so sure.
“I can come if you like..”
The nurse assured me she would look after her so I sat back down and started to read through the problems of strangers. They seemed quite dull compared to mine. Mentally I composed a letter to the kind looking lady pictured.
Dear Josie
I constantly fantasize about a man who is good looking, successful in his profession and lives in a beautiful flat. The problem is, whenever he invites me out, he invites all his friends too. I get the impression he only ever invites me to make up numbers. I thought at first he really liked me too but then he seemed to think I’d be better off with his friend who is a mortician. Is there a hint in there somewhere?
I don’t feel good enough for him in any way, shape or form.
Even worse, I am housemate with his beautiful sister who works in a lap-dancing club. He doesn’t know what she does and is going there with his mate on a stag do. He will be furious if he finds out and his mate is in love with her. She wants me to stand in for her and is forcing me to do exercises to shape up that are more likely to kill me.
Apart from that, I can’t find a job I like, in my former life I used to be a fish that lived in the London Aquarium and my memories give me nightmares and no one understands me.
I would be grateful for any ideas you have to improve my life.
Anonymous Fish Person
Did this seem like enough problems for any one person? I suspected so.
A large wheezing woman sat down next to me, squashing me further into my seat.
I imagined an answer from the agony aunt.
Dear Anonymous Fish person
Why don’t you bloody pull yourself together? You are young; you’re fairly attractive I’m bound to guess even though you didn’t send in a picture. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you so snap out of it and start living you stupid girl. As for this perfect man of yours, perhaps he’s as nervous of you as you are of him, or perhaps he just doesn’t fancy you. Why don’t you save yourself all this agony and just ask him?
As for having once been a fish, what were you, a jellyfish? Because right now that’s just what you are acting like, a great big wobbly creature with no real substance, quivering at the thought of life because let’s face it you’re not doing anything to make a life.
It’s a good thing that your friend is getting you to shape up, what with you being a jellyfish…
Good luck.
Yours
Josie
So lost was I in my imaginings it took me a few moments to hear my name being called, I looked up into the anxious eyes of the lispy nurse. “Can you come and sit with your Aunt?”
© Petra Kidd 2013
Before I was born onto land… I was a fish
Also by Petra Kidd
You can connect with Petra Kidd via Twitter @PetraKidd or visit her
Facebook page here Petra Kidd Writes
The next chapter of Before I was born onto land I was a fish will be posted next Sunday.
Scarlett’s secrets
Frank smothered Maddy’s head in clay and it dried incredibly fast. Maddy kept trying to speak but every time she opened her mouth Frank shoved more clay into it. Scarlett stood beside him, looking on approvingly and frequently suggesting, “Shove as much in as you possibly can, it’s a jolly big mouth.”
Someone placed a bright orange wig on Maddy’s totally clayed in head. Frank walked around her stroking his chin thoughtfully. “Yeah” He said, “But I want it to have gills and the lips need to be built into a proper fishy pout.”
So now Maddy had become an ‘it.’ I felt sorry for her but I was only a spectator.
Goddard appeared; he seemed very annoyed, with his trombone tucked under one arm he poked at the clay with a finger trying to get through to her skin. Suddenly he lifted the trombone to his lips and blew very hard into her ear, or gill, as it now appeared to be. Maddy the fish replica didn’t stir. Frank shouted at him plainly angry “Oi, you be careful, this is a work of art! You bloody musician, how could anyone expect such a heathen to understand?”
As they squared up to one another obviously about to start a fight, a hand took my arm and led me away out onto the street. Ryan looked earnestly into my eyes and said “You’re not really a fish are you, like Maddy?”
I woke up shivering and stared at my alarm clock; then I remembered it hadn’t gone off because despite Sharon Sharman’s assurances, Jade at the agency had not found me a job for today. I’d have to phone in later. I wondered if Scarlett might be awake yet, I planned to ask her for Ryan’s work number. I didn’t want to call his mobile in case he decided to ignore me.
Lying back in bed I stared at the ceiling. Perhaps I should change agencies or hunt around for more fulfilling jobs. Aunty had spoken sense; I couldn’t dither around forever hoping the right career would turn up. My current economic state and life plan left a lot to be desired. I couldn’t imagine Tammy or Christian lying here like an imbecile with no exciting adventures to go on. How did people get to be so lucky, or more to the point organized? I needed to meet the right sort of people, whoever they were, get contacts and leap into the unknown. I shuddered with fear. Which was worse, the fear of being left behind or the fear of forging ahead and taking risks? I couldn’t decide.
Eventually I roused myself from my reveries and wandered through to Scarlett’s room. She slept soundly, her beautiful face uncreased by the pillow. I should be envious of her I thought, but instead I admired her regular features and softly spilled hair. Why did she choose to stay in this dump when she earned a small fortune at the club? She could afford a nice little flat without sweaty mould patches in the bathroom, lime scale all over the taps and bickering housemates. I compared the tacky plastic lampshades with the stylish glass ones in Ryan’s flat, the threadbare carpets with his luxury deep pile, the bland pictures of landscapes with his vibrant artworks, whatever must he think when he visits us? I shuddered.
Perhaps if I drank less alcohol, worked out at a gym and gave up chocolate, Marvin would take me on for a couple of nights a week. My parents didn’t need to know and I could save the money towards getting somewhere nicer to live. Somewhere Ryan might enjoy coming to. Who was I kidding? But the thoughts continued. I could still temp a few days a week to maintain a so called respectable façade. Scarlett seemed to keep her work secret pretty well. If I changed my look enough, people like Ben Bert wouldn’t recognize me. It might even fund a college course towards a decent job. It would be difficult keeping such a secret from mum but once I found myself a worthwhile occupation and had a nicer place to live she wouldn’t mind, I’d tell her stories and she’d laugh about it.
I stared down at my pyjama shorts and vest; yes I’d definitely have to give up chocolate. I sighed.
With Scarlett obviously not likely to rouse from her deep sleep any time soon, I returned to my room, found a hoodie to put on and went downstairs to make tea. I sat at the kitchen table to continue with my internal debate on what to do next with my life. Maddy appeared after about five minutes, grunted, pulled a carton of orange juice from the fridge and muttered “See you later.” As she reached the door she turned on her heel, “You got no work today?”
“No, they offered me a permanent job at the other place and when I turned it down they found someone else. So now I’m unemployed.” I stared at her dolefully wondering if she’d show any sympathy but she just shrugged and left for Ben Bert’s.
I slumped on the table. She could have at least offered to borrow a book for me, but that was Maddy, entirely self-centered.
I made more tea for myself and instant coffee for Scarlett and trekked back up the stairs hoping to find her awake. I found her sitting up in bed staring at her mobile phone. “Oh hello, how nice, coffee in bed, you are getting so domesticated cupcake, you’ll make Digby a fine wife.” She giggled.
“Can’t even get Maddy interested in him,” I grumbled.
“You not working today?”
I caught the sound of hope in her question.
“Apparently not, I have to call the agency later.”
“Come with me, I want to go shopping.” She took a slurp of coffee.
I felt happy and sad at the suggestion. Scarlett would look fabulous in anything she tried on and I’d stand next to her like the donkey not even wanted on the pier anymore. “Hmm ok.” I tried to sound enthusiastic but failed.
“Oh come on, we haven’t had a girlie day together… well ever. What’s the point of having housemates if you don’t get them to keep you company sometimes?”
I shrugged, “Too right.”
“That’s better. I liked your parents, lovely people. They even made this place feel like home for a while. Ryan says our mother has holed herself up with a nineteen year old carpenter now, she’s stark staring mad y’know.”
I didn’t know what to say, I could not imagine my mother doing the same in a million years.
“It wouldn’t be so bad if he could string a sentence together but Ryan says he’s positively Neanderthal.”
The image of Maddy in twenty years time floated into my mind, I could imagine her being exactly like Scarlett’s mother.”
“She must be very pretty; I guess that’s where you got your looks from.”
Scarlett frowned a little, “Yes she is quite stunning but hasn’t an ounce of sense in her head.”
“What’s your Dad like?”
Scarlett winced, “I don’t talk about him.”
Given the tone of her voice I didn’t dare pursue her for more.
“So come on, let’s get dressed and get out of this rotten hole.”
Scarlett always made everything seem better and anything seem possible. I loved to see how men reacted to her looks on the tube, and even in the street they turned round and took lingering looks.
“You should take up modeling.”
“I thought about it but I like my food too much and I don’t smoke.”
“Don’t be daft, you have a fantastic figure and not all models smoke.”
“You know any?”
I shook my head.
“Well I do and they are neurotic, all of them. My mother was a model and it screwed her up well and truly.”
“But look at Lily Cole, she’s amazing and brainy.”
“There’s always an exception to every rule. I need another coffee.”
We stopped in a tiny café near the tube station.
“So what do you want to do, you know, when you eventually leave the club?”
“Fashion design, there’s a course I’m saving for.”
“How come Ryan went to uni and you have to save for your own fees?”
She stirred a huge spoonful of sugar into her latte and smiled. “Daddy’s favourite that’s Ryan, he’s always been brainy and had real direction, I didn’t have a clue. Dad said he wouldn’t waste any more money on a pretty but dim woman like he did with my mother.”
“Harsh.”
“But at the time fair. He adored Ryan but I was never Daddy’s little girl. I basically got ignored except at parties when he wanted to show off his doll.”
“So your Dad’s pretty well off then?”
“Like I said before, we don’t talk about him. Ryan and I made a pact not to. We get on well but I can’t stand my father so I prefer not to discuss him.”
“When you are a rich and famous fashion designer you can say ‘yarboo sucks’ to him.”
“He wouldn’t care less. Now let’s change the subject. We need to sort you out Mira, get you a new look and a better life.”
“Oh yeah and how is that miracle going to be accomplished?” I stared at her as if she might be a miracle making angel, but no, she was still the raunchy stunner I’d left the house with. No one else would get away with thigh high boots, leather look jeans and a feathery pink jumper so early on a Monday morning.
If I knew one thing, I knew my career path wouldn’t take me into fashion.
“Marvin was happy enough with you that night you stood in for me. He’s always looking for new talent, why don’t you listen to me; we’ll get you a new look and give it a try. Think of the cash cupcake; just think of the cash. Sometimes we have to do crap to get to where we want to be.”
I suddenly spotted a sparkly ring on her little finger, “That’s pretty!” I reached out to take her hand to get a closer look. “Is that a real diamond?”
“It is a little token from one of the gents at the club.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know what to say. Talk about being popular.
“Some of them have more money than sense and when it comes to women they have no sense.”
“You don’t have to do anything else do you?”
Scarlett eyed me warily. “Like what?”
“Oh nothing, ignore me.”
“You mean have sex with them?” She grinned.
“I don’t want to know.”
“Nah, well not unless I like them but Marvin doesn’t approve so I have to be careful.”
“Scarlett that’s prostitution!” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them and I withered under her glare. She didn’t contradict me but the mood between us changed in an instant.
The shopping trip became tense and Scarlett’s mood fragile. We went to shops I wouldn’t have afforded so much as a hairclip in. I felt like an alien but Scarlett glided through with amazing confidence. She deserved to be here, I thought, I didn’t.”
I bitterly regretted my outburst. “I’ll buy you lunch” I said, eager to make up with her.
Before she could answer, her mobile bleeped. She pressed it to her ear and turned away. I wondered if it were one of her men friends. After a short discussion she turned back to me, “It’s Ryan, do you fancy meeting him for a drink tonight?”
I never knew what was coming next with those two. I managed a nod. Unsmilingly she drawled into the phone “Yes she’s up for it.” A few words more and she ended the call with a “See ya.”
I gave her a quizzical look and she shrugged. “I just said I was with you and he asked if you could meet him at The Dog and Sparrow at seven.”
Strange kind of date I thought, not exactly a swanky pub, more of a darts and beer swilling kind of dive. “Just me?”
“Think so, strange place.” She said echoing my thoughts. “Did I hear you say you’d buy me lunch?” She grinned at me.
“I’m sorry for what I said earlier. What you do is up to you, it’s not for me to judge. I don’t think I could do it though, I just..”
“I know, you’re not that kind of girl. You’re a nice girl from a nice family. It’s only dysfunctional types that end up with my lifestyle.”
“You’re not dysfunctional, you can’t help what your parents were like but I do worry about you. It might be dangerous.”
“Cupcake it’s not for long, another year and I’ll be out of it. At least you care. It’s my choice and I am careful you know.”
“You hear such awful stories.”
She put an arm around my shoulders, “Forget about me, let’s think about you, come on, we’ll write a list of things you could do why we have lunch. Where shall we go?”
Later as I sat in The Dog and Sparrow waiting for Ryan I thought of Scarlett’s lifestyle. I knew he would be mortified if he knew. How could we have a relationship if I knew all these secrets about his sister? I laughed a little at myself, as if that were going to happen anyway. Then I chided myself, no, I had to be more positive, why shouldn’t I be hopeful? I must learn to value myself, that’s what Scarlett told me, Scarlett who slept with the highest bidder.
I stared around the pub, a dark seedy pit with a crack in the entrance door window. The bar seemed to be full of rowdy men waving notes at the cheery barmaid who laughed at their cheesy jokes as if she’d never heard anything funnier. I’d given up trying to order a drink as she ignored me in their favour. Ryan could buy me one. Although lunch hadn’t been expensive, I’d not been left with much change.
A tall man with bad teeth asked if he could join me. I pointedly looked at my watch and said I was waiting for my boyfriend. Ignoring me he sat down.
“Boyfriend?” he wiped the rim of his pint glass with a dirty finger and winked, “Late is he? You sure he’s coming?”
His rank breath made me gag. Suddenly I felt very annoyed with Ryan for making me wait for him in this dodgy dive with characters straight out of a horror film. I thought about getting up and going.
“Probably gone off with another bird.” He leant forward and grasped my wrist, “Aw don’t be frosty with me love, just trying to keep you company. If he don’t turn up I know a great little pizza place just up the road, I’ll take yer for a spot of grub.”
I glared at him. “I don’t think so.”
“Not surprising he’s gone off with another bird what with you being such a frosty one. Mind you, I like the chase me.” He slurped his beer and droplets dripped onto his protruding chin.
I grabbed my bag and started to get up, I couldn’t wait any longer, seven Ryan had said and now it was nearly twenty past. Even if Scarlett had got the name of the pub wrong, surely he would have phoned by now to see where I was?
Then I heard him call my name. I jumped with such relief I knocked the pint glass right out of Rank Breath’s hand and beer spilled straight into his crotch. “Oi!” He screamed, “You better buy me another.”
I ignored him and dashed over to Ryan who stood staring at me, his face serious. “Sorry I’m a bit late, had to stitch up a cat’s leg, it got run over and came in as an emergency. I’d have called but by the time I left I thought I might as well concentrate on getting here. Drink?”
“Do we have to stay here?” I glanced over at Rank Breath who gazed back at me hopefully.
“Er well yeah, I’ve arranged for Ted and Katie to meet us here in about twenty minutes then I thought we could go get something to eat.”
“Ted and Katie?” I wanted to howl with grief, “I thought it was going to be just us?”
He stared at me as if I were mad.
“Ryan I need to talk to you and I can’t do it in front of them.”
He shifted his feet uncomfortably. “Er well we’ve got twenty minutes or so, they’re never on time.”
I sighed, “I’ll have a half of bitter.”
“You drink beer?” He looked pleased.
I’d rather have arsenic, I thought dolefully.
© Petra Kidd 2013
Before I was born onto land… I was a fish
Also by Petra Kidd
You can connect with Petra Kidd via Twitter @PetraKidd or visit her
Facebook page here Petra Kidd Writes
The next chapter of Before I was born onto land I was a fish will be posted shortly…
Sunday lunch – Meet the parents
My mind raced through the daytime happenings over and over again as I lay in my bed. Perhaps this house had put a jinx on me. I couldn’t remember life being so difficult before I moved in. Actually that wasn’t true; it had been complex but mainly because of my memories of my former life. Now those memories were mixed up with adult concerns such as men, money, work, housemates and family.
I rehearsed the phone call to Ryan to tell him he must call Digby off, as if Digby were a rampant dog who wouldn’t let go of my leg. Not so far from the truth. The chubby and apparently charming mortician seemed to have a knack for getting everyone to eat out of his hand except for me. I didn’t care about his annual income, his dark suits or commanding air, or his wealthy background. I quite simply found him loathsome. If by some miracle I ever found myself in a relationship with Ryan, Digby would never be allowed to darken my doorstep again.
My father’s eyes lit up when he entered, as if finally his future son-in-law had arrived. It took only seconds for Digby to ingratiate himself by mentioning he’d spent the morning riding out with hounds. “Of course, strictly speaking we are only drag hunting but between you and me, well say no more..”
He gave one of his barking laughs and finally Daisy threw me a look of pure sympathy.
“Ah chicken, smells good.”
“There isn’t enough for you to stay.” The words shot out of my mouth in sheer panic.
Digby grinned at me with affection, “More of a red meat man myself but I’m sure there’s room for a little one.”
Daisy snorted.
“Well there isn’t.”
I hadn’t noticed Maddy dragging in a chair from the sitting room for him. I sighed so deeply I thought my lungs would break.
When someone is so forceful and others don’t spot your opposition, you have little chance other than to give in. I filled the plate Maddy proffered on his behalf with all the bony bits I could muster.
No sooner had I filled the plate than the doorbell rang again. This time Daisy decided to answer.
He returned with a tall man sporting a grey ponytail and square jaw.
“This apparently is Frank the pottery teacher.” Daisy made an elaborate gesture with his right arm as if presenting nobility.
Maddy leapt up as if her seat had just come out of a furnace. “Oh Frank, what are you doing ‘ere?”
Frank stood transfixed by the gathered company for some moments before he answered. “I need a word in private Maddy, if you could..”
Instead of doing as I expected and immediately disappearing upstairs with him, Maddy sat rooted to the spot. “Well we are just about to eat. Go wait in the seeting room and I weel be there when I ‘ave finished my deener.”
My enthralled mother raised her eyebrows at such apparent rudeness.
“It’s ok Maddy, go if you want to.” I wanted her to go, I wanted Digby to go too but he too remained rooted to the spot, forking chicken into his mouth with gusto. I wondered how fast he could swallow red meat if that was his favourite.
“I want my deener,” Said Maddy eyeing her plate mournfully, “I am so hungry.”
Frank stood staring at us all as if he wasn’t used to being disobeyed, especially not by one of his students.
“You better join us Frank,” Said my father, apparently as enthralled with all this activity as my mother. “I’m sure we can eek out a little more.”
I stared at the chicken. Suddenly it appeared I had biblical miracles to perform. Having lost my appetite the minute Digby arrived, I decided Frank could have my portion of chicken. “Yes find a chair and join us,” I breathed wearily, “Maddy budge up and let Frank in.”
Delighted by my acceptance of her illicit lover, Maddy beckoned him to share her chair. I hoped this wouldn’t end in the usual fondling she unashamedly indulged in with Goddard regardless of company. The minute I thought of Goddard I began to worry he might be the next unexpected guest. The thought that things usually happen in threes panicked me further.
Daisy read my thoughts. “Where is Goddard today?”
Scarlett, silent until now suddenly started giggling. “Yes Maddy, where is the ardent trombonist?”
Frank appeared completely untouched by these comments. He sat coolly surveying the people parked at the table. His eyes immediately settled on Scarlett the moment she spoke and from thereon in he became transfixed. As if no one else were in the room he focused on her.
“So Frank,” Said my father, “What kind of pottery do you do?”
“Pots,” Said Frank without so much as a glance in his direction.
Scarlett smirked. “So you are the potty man. You’d have to be potty to be bonking Maddy.”
My mother choked on a mouthful of chicken. Daisy patted her daintily on the back as if that would dislodge so much as a morsel. Luckily the choke was more of the shocked kind than one that called for the Heimlich maneuver.
Entranced by Scarlett’s looks Frank merely smirked back and raised his eyebrows. “Who says I am?”
Maddy frowned but for once managed to remain silent.
Digby continued to masticate, every now and then glancing up at me as if to check I hadn’t left the room.
My father decided that this would be a good time to interrogate Digby as if he were indeed a potential suitor for his unwilling and by now highly embarrassed daughter.
While Maddy ping ponged between a suave pottery teacher and a geek trombonist, I recoiled from the chubby mortician and reeled from the disinterest of a ridiculously handsome vet. I took a swig of wine and chewed on the bread I’d been left with after everyone had helped themselves to the chicken. Maddy forked the last of it onto Frank’s plate.
“I always fancied having a go on a potter’s wheel,” Said my mother. Everyone ignored her.
I wished I could fall asleep and find this to be yet another nightmare. Instead of being woken up by a nightmare, here I found myself in a waking one.
“So Digby what is your five year plan?”
My father’s favourite question, he asked anyone he met this as a matter of course. Digby swallowed and smiled. “I’m buying my own place next month so within the next five years I plan not to have a mortgage. I expect to be married,” He slyly glanced my way, “And all being well get a couple of children thrown in.”
Daisy sighed, “I remember having plans but life got in the way.”
My father ignored this comment. “Sounds very sensible young man, and what are the prospects for you careerwise?”
I cringed, my cheeks burning hotly. Daisy smirked.
“Well the reason I’m in a position to buy my own house at last is because I’ve just been made a partner in the firm. One of the old guys recently retired so a natural vacancy occurred. I’m pretty lucky actually; in these smaller firms you can wait a lifetime to get up the ladder. I’ve known them and done odd jobs for them since I was a kid so they trust me implicitly.”
“So you plan to be a mortician all your life then?” I blurted out, quite horrified.
Digby wiped his hands carefully on a piece of kitchen roll doubling as a napkin. “I don’t really like that job description so much; funeral director has a more attractive ring to it.”
My father nodded approvingly. I shook my head.
Frank finally addressed us all instead of just Scarlett, “I once drew a dead body as a commission.” He let the words hang to give merit to their true weight.
“What did they pay you in? Coffin tokens?” Daisy retorted with a dangerous twinkle in his eye.
“No she gave me five thousand pounds. The widow happened to be very wealthy and she wanted a lasting image of her deceased husband.” Frank’s face remained stonily serious. Maddy gazed at him with a mixture of admiration and incredulity.
“You never told me about that!”
“Doubt you ever freed up his mouth long enough to,” Sniggered Scarlett.
“Dessert anyone?” I had to change the subject. I couldn’t stand to think of such morbidity for a moment longer.
Digby responded as if he were a racing driver who needed to be first over the line to ascertain his place. “Oh yes please.” He turned to my father, “Jolly good little cook your daughter.”
My dad beamed with pleasure.
My soggy trifle went down a treat. I decided had I served pigswill, Digby would have complimented it.
The others swallowed their meager portions with little comment.
Later when my parents left, after tea and dry fruit cake and we eventually dispatched Digby who wouldn’t leave without forcing me to promise I’d go to the theatre with him to see some courtroom drama, I realized Maddy and Frank had disappeared.
“Didn’t see them go.” Daisy squeezed the roasting tray into a cupboard already full to bursting.
“Bound to be upstairs bonking,” Laughed Scarlett who’d been very helpful with the clearing away too. “I like your mum and dad; they’re just so simple and uncomplicated. Not like my neurotic mother and her list of unsuitable lovers. Bet your childhood passed without a hitch.”
“Not entirely.” I didn’t want to talk about how tormented my memories of being a fish had been. I wanted to curl up on the sofa and plan my call to Ryan.
No such luck. Maddy’s feet suddenly rocketed down the stairs, Frank’s longer legs jumped down behind her. “I don’t want to stop seeing you but I have to, she is suspicious.”
We all moved to the kitchen doorway to listen properly.
“Yeah, only suspeecious, she don’t know. You will just have to be more careful.”
“You’ll just have to accept it, I’m married and I can’t leave her, she’ll fall apart without me.”
We heard Maddy scoff. When did she ever care about anyone else’s feelings? Daisy raised his eyebrows at me, “We didn’t bring her up right did we?” He whispered. Scarlett giggled.
“You can still come to the lessons but I can’t stay on afterwards, she made me promise to go straight home.”
“What are you, tied by some apron strings? I thought you ‘ad some balls but no, you are the weak little man who play with the clay.”
“You liked it when we played with the clay!”
As they argued Scarlett quietly withdrew a piece of paper from the back pocket of her jeans and passed it in front of Daisy and I. Scribbled in pencil were the words ‘call me’ and a mobile phone number. She pointed in the direction of Maddy and Frank squabbling. Daisy clutched his mouth and I clutched my forehead. Then we all got uncontrollable giggles and had to move deeper into the kitchen in case they heard us. It wasn’t long before we heard the front door violently slam shut and the sound of sobbing.
“You go to her,” Said Daisy jabbing his forefinger at Scarlett, “Tell her what he did.”
“She can’t do that; Maddy will punch her, even if it isn’t her fault. No just leave it, Maddy’ll find someone else in no time, she always does.” I felt so tired, I couldn’t face anymore histrionics. “She likes Digby, she can go to the bloody theatre with him, marry him, have his little pall bearers.”
Daisy and Scarlett squealed with laughter.
“What you laughing at?” Maddy pushed open the kitchen door; and we were surprised to see her sad little tear stained face. I felt guilty at our insensitivity but then she rarely had time for any of us when things went wrong. “I’ll make you a nice hot chocolate, how’s that?”
Daisy and Scarlett swiftly left us to it, Scarlett waving her paper proposition at me as she swayed out.
“You know, men, are they really worth it?” The old lines are the best; I decided, filling a saucepan with milk and searching the cupboard for cocoa.
Maddy sat sulkily swinging her legs from a kitchen chair. “We were ‘aving such a nice time, I can’t believe ‘e suddenly got a conscience.”
Of course I couldn’t tell her his conscience didn’t play any part in his breaking up with her. “What about Goddard, he’d be heartbroken if he knew you were playing away?”
“He love his trombone more than he love me.” Thoughtfully she added, “Are there any biscuits?” Pining for her lost love had apparently not affected her appetite.
“No.” I didn’t want her gobbling up the last of my chocolate digestives. “If you don’t want Goddard and you can’t have Frank, how about Digby?”
She pondered this question for some time, enough time for the milk to boil, the cocoa powder to be added and for me to stir the brown liquid.
“Put some sugar in eet will you? It’s a bit bitter without it.”
Obediently I emptied some granules into the mug on the table. Typically I got no thanks for my efforts from her, she deserved Digby.
She fixed me with a mournful stare, “I don’t theenk I am ready to settle down yet. I thought he is looking for a wife?”
“You’d be well off and secure, pop out a pair of pall bearers and you’d make him the happiest man alive, how can you resist?”
“But he is devoted to you. I see the way ‘e looks at you.”
“I’m not ready to settle down either Maddy and certainly not with him. Not easily satisfied are we?”
We sat in silence for a while, me thinking about how I must call Ryan soon and Maddy who knew what?
Eventually she smiled, “I think I’ll go to the next pottery class just to make sure.”
I could only dream of having the same tenacity.
© Petra Kidd 2013
Before I was born onto land… I was a fish
Also by Petra Kidd
You can connect with Petra Kidd via Twitter @PetraKidd or visit her
Facebook page here Petra Kidd Writes
The next chapter of Before I was born onto land I was a fish will be posted on
Sunday 28th April
