May5

Before I was born…Chapter Twenty-three

Posted on May 5, 2013 by petrakidd

Stop acting like a jellyfish

Ted and Ryan insisted we go to a Mexican restaurant they liked, I sat next to Katie. I listened to her drone on about beauty treatments and how her skin would never survive in a British climate and how she yearned to move somewhere warmer. I only caught snippets of Ryan telling Ted about the cat’s leg.

Instead of twenty minutes, I’d had about five to explain what a pest Digby was and how he had to call him off. He’d listened earnestly and nodded but with the noise in the pub I wondered if he’d heard much of what I said.

How to land in purgatory in a few easy steps, I thought as Katie’s endless monotone left me agitated.

“I don’t want to end up with broken capillaries.”

“Me neither.” I agreed trying to make the best of this pointless conversation.

“You girls chosen?” Ted grinned at us.

“Everything is loaded with calories.” Katie pouted.

“Oh Lumpkin, have a night off from calorie counting why don’t you?”

There followed an exchange on how Ted never put on extra weight whereas Katie only had to look at a pork pie. Ryan laughed at them both, “Eating out with you two is always such a pleasure!”

After the starters, humongous mounds of refried beans and lettuce, Katie excused herself and rushed off to the toilets.

“Probably going to throw up, she’s a bit bulimic,” Ted sighed. “How’s Scarlett?” The question seemed to be directed at me.

Ryan got up too and disappeared as if by prior arrangement.

“She’s fine.”

“Look I don’t want to seem a bastard but I really like Scarlett, could you put a word in for me?”

“But you’re with Katie.” Why should he be happy when my misery seemed to go on and on? I looked up to see Ryan deep in conversation with a very tall boy with bright ginger hair who seemed concerned about something.

“Katie and me, well we’re more friends than anything else y’know. I can’t stop thinking about Scarlett.”

“I can’t stop thinking about Ryan, could you put a word in for me?” I blurted, angry at apparently being used all the time.

Ted frowned, “Didn’t realize, I think he’s still hung up on Catya.”

“So why isn’t she here in my place right now?”

He stared at me and I could see the cogs of tact turning in his mind. “She’s er working I think.” The cogs didn’t turn smoothly enough.

So there I had it, in a nutshell, I had been invited to make up numbers, bastard. Fobbed off with Digby then used as a filler when his stunning girlfriend had other plans. I thought about making my excuses to leave but I looked up to see Ryan coming back.

“Katie still preening?” Ryan sat down and smiled. “Sorry about that, he’s worried about his pet snake. Last week I pulled a tennis ball out of its throat, stupid thing keeps trying to swallow his kid’s toys.”

“So why doesn’t he keep them out of the snake’s way?” I glared at him, “Stupid pet to have anyway.” I realized I sounded bitter and took a swig from my bottle of beer in the hope it would calm my rising rage. It didn’t.

Katie returned to the table where we now sat in silence waiting for our main course.

For the next half hour she picked at her enchilada, nibbled at the lettuce leaves and whined about the refried beans being soggy. Ted ignored her and started talking about an up and coming stag night. “You’ve got to come mate,” he said to Ryan, “Remember that club we went to when it was Gus’s stag night?” He gave an elaborate wink.

Ryan stared at him a moment, “Oh yeah, I remember. Is that where we’re going then?”

I studied the menu annoyed that they were ignoring me in their conversation but not really registering what they were saying until Ted mentioned the name of Marvin’s club. I sucked my breath in alarm.

“Apparently it’s much better than that one was. Drinks are more expensive but the er entertainment is meant to be mind blowing.”

I didn’t need to ask what the entertainment was. I turned to Katie, “Don’t you mind your boyfriend going to those sort of places?”

Ted laughed, “You mean you know where I’m talking about?”

“I’ve er heard about it yes.”

Katie shrugged. “Not bothered.”

Tired, fed up and very agitated I stared at him. “I wouldn’t want any boyfriend of mine going in a place like that.”

Ryan coughed into his napkin, “It’s just a harmless bit of fun.”

“Yes, don’t go getting your knickers in a twist.” Ted sniggered, pulling a face at me.

I wanted to spit my beer at his patronizing tone. Idiot. I’d have to warn Scarlett so she could ring in sick. Then my heart sank at the thought of what happened last time she’d rung in sick.

I decided to drop the subject and instead remained in sulky silence. Ted and Katie walked me home after I’d rather haughtily reminded Ryan to get Digby to leave me alone. He exchanged a look with Ted, shrugged and told me he’d do his best but that Digby was his ‘own man.’

Perhaps I should leave him to find out about his sister’s real life, I felt like punishing him.

I tossed and turned all night, and eventually fell asleep in the early hours. My mobile phone woke me; Jade rasped something about being sorry for not getting in touch sooner but that there wasn’t much on the books right now. As much as I liked the idea of staying in bed all day, I knew I couldn’t last long without work.

“What nothing at all?” I tried not to sound desperate but I was.

“Not at the moment lovey. You should have told that Sharon Sharman you wanted a permanent post even if you didn’t. She cut up all snotty that you wouldn’t stay on. I’ll be in touch as soon as.”

She hung up without so much as a goodbye.

I hauled myself off the bed and wandered into Scarlett’s room. Typically I found her unconscious.

I knew Daisy wouldn’t be up yet either. I badly needed an ear to bend about all my woes but I knew Maddy wouldn’t fit the bill. Finding the cereal packet empty I sat at the kitchen table and considered having a little weep but what good would that do, other than swell my eyes and make me look as useless as I felt?

If I phoned my mother, all she’d suggest would be to get on the first train home, then I would feel like failure of the century.

I decided to go and get dressed, take myself to the café down the road and spend my last fiver on tea and an egg roll. Then I could check out the jobs in the paper somewhere that didn’t make me feel so depressed.

The café brightened my mood as soon as I walked in. The steamed up windows made me feel protected from the austere outside world where grey skies threatened a downpour. There were only a few people inside, hidden behind newspapers. Mumsie as the regulars called her, stood behind the counter grinning at me, her ample bosom on show and beads of sweat on her forehead. “Alright lovey, what can I get you?”

I chose a corner table so I could observe the whole room in between staring intently at advertisements.

I read the job descriptions with mounting angst. Either I didn’t have the qualifications, or the experience or the skills or I didn’t live near enough. Some didn’t even state salary. None of them appealed. I could hear Aunty say how sometimes you could find something you liked quite by accident but all of these posts looked more like car crashes waiting to happen to me if I applied.

None of them looked the sort of job to impress Ryan either. Why did I constantly compare everything to what his unknown expectations might be? He couldn’t care less about me, I thought bitterly.

I bit into my egg roll and yolk burst in my mouth and dribbled down my chin. Hastily I wiped it off with a rough textured napkin, my eyes scanning the café to make sure no one had noticed. Of course no one had, why should they?

Oddly it seemed I only had to think of my aunt and she would appear in some form. My mobile bleeped with a message from her: Hospital appointment at 3pm, will you come with me?

My heart sank that the day had arrived and rose at the thought she realized she should have company. I replied in the affirmative and added three kisses. Poor Aunty Clara she must be so scared I thought, biting into my roll again, this time causing less of a mess.

It wasn’t until I returned to the house I remembered I had just spent my last five pounds. I hoped Scarlett might be awake so I could ask her for a loan to get to the hospital.

“Of course you can Cupcake.”

Luckily she seemed to be in a good mood. Then I remembered Ted and Ryan’s planned stag night outing. “Are you working at the club on the night of the sixth?” I asked warily.

“Um I expect so, what day is it?”

I swiftly checked the calendar on my phone, “A Saturday.”

“Then yes, why?”

I shoved the twenty-pound note she handed me into the pocket of my jeans. “It’s er, well I was out with Ryan and Ted last night and they were going on about some stag do they’ve been invited to and apparently it’s at the club.”

“Oh bum.” She flung a hand into her hair. “I knew this was going to happen at some point, just flaming knew it. That’s only a couple of weeks away isn’t it?”

I nodded grimly.

“I can’t not do it, I need the fees for that course I told you about.”

We stared blankly at one another.

“You don’t know anyone else who could do it?”

“Well probably but they’d want the money. Lots of the girls keep calling in sick; they’re a lazy bunch at the moment.”

Then she gave me the look I dreaded, the summing up look that I knew would quickly turn into a pleading look.

“No way, I can’t do it, not in front of Ryan, no way!”

“If we make you up right he won’t recognize you.”

“No way.” I repeated with a rising sense of panic.

“We could colour your hair temporarily and if we go running every day until then you’ll soon lose your muffin top.”

“My what?” I stared down in alarm. She was right, I had a roll of flesh spilling over the top of my jeans.

“What have you eaten today?”

“An egg roll.”

“No more of those for a couple of weeks. Come on, go put on some jogging bottoms and we’ll start now.”

“No way,” I repeated.

“Listen, you need some money too, stop being such a prude, come and do a few sessions, tone up and who knows, my idiot brother might finally start paying you the attention you crave.”

“What if he does recognize me? He won’t want a girlfriend who does that for a j..” I just stopped myself but it was too late.

Scarlett smiled a cool businesslike smile. “Girl you have a lot to learn, about my brother and about life. Stop wasting time and go and get changed.”

There were no seats left on the tube and my legs and back ached horribly. Scarlett had started my new fitness regime immediately with bursts of walking and sprints for half an hour round the block. “When you get back tonight we’ll do it again and you can do some sit ups too.”

“Oh can I?” I wheezed back at her.

I arrived at the hospital before my aunt and immediately looked for somewhere to sit down. Every time I went to take a seat a frail old lady or a man with one leg or a sickly looking child made for it. I gave up and leaned against a ledge until I spotted her fragile frame speeding towards the entrance. Never mind how unwell she seemed she could still trot at quite a pace. I called to her and she turned and smiled. We embraced.

“You look exhausted!”

“I am exhausted.” I explained Scarlett’s plans to put me into her version of boot camp but didn’t explain why.

“It’s a good idea,” She giggled, “You need to get fit, get those endorphins working; they might get your brain into gear.”

“Oh thanks a lot.”

She took my arm and we stared at signs trying to see the department listed we were due to visit. A volunteer dashed over and asked if he could help. Ten minutes later it seemed as if we’d walked the length of the hospital. I don’t know who was more breathless by the time we reached our destination. People sat in silent rows staring at magazines only looking up briefly to check the large wall clock. We checked her in and seated ourselves at a distance from everyone else. “Don’t want to catch anything.” I whispered into her ear and she giggled, more out of nervousness than amusement I suspected. “I’ll go see if there are any magazines less than two years out of date.”

I flicked to the agony column first, if only I could find someone with exactly the same problems as me so I wouldn’t have to write in, not that I ever would.

A skinny nurse with a lisp called my aunt in. I stood up to go with her but she held up a hand to stop me. “I’ll be fine,” She said but I didn’t feel so sure.

“I can come if you like..”

The nurse assured me she would look after her so I sat back down and started to read through the problems of strangers. They seemed quite dull compared to mine. Mentally I composed a letter to the kind looking lady pictured.

Dear Josie

I constantly fantasize about a man who is good looking, successful in his profession and lives in a beautiful flat. The problem is, whenever he invites me out, he invites all his friends too. I get the impression he only ever invites me to make up numbers. I thought at first he really liked me too but then he seemed to think I’d be better off with his friend who is a mortician. Is there a hint in there somewhere?

I don’t feel good enough for him in any way, shape or form.

Even worse, I am housemate with his beautiful sister who works in a lap-dancing club. He doesn’t know what she does and is going there with his mate on a stag do. He will be furious if he finds out and his mate is in love with her. She wants me to stand in for her and is forcing me to do exercises to shape up that are more likely to kill me.

Apart from that, I can’t find a job I like, in my former life I used to be a fish that lived in the London Aquarium and my memories give me nightmares and no one understands me.

I would be grateful for any ideas you have to improve my life.

Anonymous Fish Person

Did this seem like enough problems for any one person? I suspected so.

A large wheezing woman sat down next to me, squashing me further into my seat.

I imagined an answer from the agony aunt.

Dear Anonymous Fish person

Why don’t you bloody pull yourself together? You are young; you’re fairly attractive I’m bound to guess even though you didn’t send in a picture. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you so snap out of it and start living you stupid girl. As for this perfect man of yours, perhaps he’s as nervous of you as you are of him, or perhaps he just doesn’t fancy you. Why don’t you save yourself all this agony and just ask him?

As for having once been a fish, what were you, a jellyfish? Because right now that’s just what you are acting like, a great big wobbly creature with no real substance, quivering at the thought of life because let’s face it you’re not doing anything to make a life.

It’s a good thing that your friend is getting you to shape up, what with you being a jellyfish…

Good luck.

Yours

Josie

So lost was I in my imaginings it took me a few moments to hear my name being called, I looked up into the anxious eyes of the lispy nurse. “Can you come and sit with your Aunt?”

Before I was born onto land… I was a fish

Also by Petra Kidd

The Eight of Swords

The Putsi

You can connect with Petra Kidd via Twitter @PetraKidd or visit her

Facebook page here Petra Kidd Writes

The next chapter of Before I was born onto land I was a fish will be posted next Sunday.

Apr28

Before I was born…Chapter Twenty-two

Posted on April 28, 2013 by petrakidd

Standard

Scarlett’s secrets

Frank smothered Maddy’s head in clay and it dried incredibly fast. Maddy kept trying to speak but every time she opened her mouth Frank shoved more clay into it. Scarlett stood beside him, looking on approvingly and frequently suggesting, “Shove as much in as you possibly can, it’s a jolly big mouth.”

Someone placed a bright orange wig on Maddy’s totally clayed in head. Frank walked around her stroking his chin thoughtfully. “Yeah” He said, “But I want it to have gills and the lips need to be built into a proper fishy pout.”

So now Maddy had become an ‘it.’ I felt sorry for her but I was only a spectator.

Goddard appeared; he seemed very annoyed, with his trombone tucked under one arm he poked at the clay with a finger trying to get through to her skin. Suddenly he lifted the trombone to his lips and blew very hard into her ear, or gill, as it now appeared to be. Maddy the fish replica didn’t stir. Frank shouted at him plainly angry “Oi, you be careful, this is a work of art! You bloody musician, how could anyone expect such a heathen to understand?”

As they squared up to one another obviously about to start a fight, a hand took my arm and led me away out onto the street. Ryan looked earnestly into my eyes and said “You’re not really a fish are you, like Maddy?”

I woke up shivering and stared at my alarm clock; then I remembered it hadn’t gone off because despite Sharon Sharman’s assurances, Jade at the agency had not found me a job for today. I’d have to phone in later. I wondered if Scarlett might be awake yet, I planned to ask her for Ryan’s work number. I didn’t want to call his mobile in case he decided to ignore me.

Lying back in bed I stared at the ceiling. Perhaps I should change agencies or hunt around for more fulfilling jobs. Aunty had spoken sense; I couldn’t dither around forever hoping the right career would turn up. My current economic state and life plan left a lot to be desired. I couldn’t imagine Tammy or Christian lying here like an imbecile with no exciting adventures to go on. How did people get to be so lucky, or more to the point organized? I needed to meet the right sort of people, whoever they were, get contacts and leap into the unknown. I shuddered with fear. Which was worse, the fear of being left behind or the fear of forging ahead and taking risks? I couldn’t decide.

Eventually I roused myself from my reveries and wandered through to Scarlett’s room. She slept soundly, her beautiful face uncreased by the pillow. I should be envious of her I thought, but instead I admired her regular features and softly spilled hair. Why did she choose to stay in this dump when she earned a small fortune at the club? She could afford a nice little flat without sweaty mould patches in the bathroom, lime scale all over the taps and bickering housemates. I compared the tacky plastic lampshades with the stylish glass ones in Ryan’s flat, the threadbare carpets with his luxury deep pile, the bland pictures of landscapes with his vibrant artworks, whatever must he think when he visits us? I shuddered.

Perhaps if I drank less alcohol, worked out at a gym and gave up chocolate, Marvin would take me on for a couple of nights a week. My parents didn’t need to know and I could save the money towards getting somewhere nicer to live. Somewhere Ryan might enjoy coming to. Who was I kidding? But the thoughts continued. I could still temp a few days a week to maintain a so called respectable façade. Scarlett seemed to keep her work secret pretty well. If I changed my look enough, people like Ben Bert wouldn’t recognize me. It might even fund a college course towards a decent job. It would be difficult keeping such a secret from mum but once I found myself a worthwhile occupation and had a nicer place to live she wouldn’t mind, I’d tell her stories and she’d laugh about it.

I stared down at my pyjama shorts and vest; yes I’d definitely have to give up chocolate. I sighed.

With Scarlett obviously not likely to rouse from her deep sleep any time soon, I returned to my room, found a hoodie to put on and went downstairs to make tea. I sat at the kitchen table to continue with my internal debate on what to do next with my life. Maddy appeared after about five minutes, grunted, pulled a carton of orange juice from the fridge and muttered “See you later.” As she reached the door she turned on her heel, “You got no work today?”

“No, they offered me a permanent job at the other place and when I turned it down they found someone else. So now I’m unemployed.” I stared at her dolefully wondering if she’d show any sympathy but she just shrugged and left for Ben Bert’s.

I slumped on the table. She could have at least offered to borrow a book for me, but that was Maddy, entirely self-centered.

I made more tea for myself and instant coffee for Scarlett and trekked back up the stairs hoping to find her awake. I found her sitting up in bed staring at her mobile phone. “Oh hello, how nice, coffee in bed, you are getting so domesticated cupcake, you’ll make Digby a fine wife.” She giggled.

“Can’t even get Maddy interested in him,” I grumbled.

“You not working today?”

I caught the sound of hope in her question.

“Apparently not, I have to call the agency later.”

“Come with me, I want to go shopping.” She took a slurp of coffee.

I felt happy and sad at the suggestion. Scarlett would look fabulous in anything she tried on and I’d stand next to her like the donkey not even wanted on the pier anymore. “Hmm ok.” I tried to sound enthusiastic but failed.

“Oh come on, we haven’t had a girlie day together… well ever. What’s the point of having housemates if you don’t get them to keep you company sometimes?”

I shrugged, “Too right.”

“That’s better. I liked your parents, lovely people. They even made this place feel like home for a while. Ryan says our mother has holed herself up with a nineteen year old carpenter now, she’s stark staring mad y’know.”

I didn’t know what to say, I could not imagine my mother doing the same in a million years.

“It wouldn’t be so bad if he could string a sentence together but Ryan says he’s positively Neanderthal.”

The image of Maddy in twenty years time floated into my mind, I could imagine her being exactly like Scarlett’s mother.”

“She must be very pretty; I guess that’s where you got your looks from.”

Scarlett frowned a little, “Yes she is quite stunning but hasn’t an ounce of sense in her head.”

“What’s your Dad like?”

Scarlett winced, “I don’t talk about him.”

Given the tone of her voice I didn’t dare pursue her for more.

“So come on, let’s get dressed and get out of this rotten hole.”

Scarlett always made everything seem better and anything seem possible. I loved to see how men reacted to her looks on the tube, and even in the street they turned round and took lingering looks.

“You should take up modeling.”

“I thought about it but I like my food too much and I don’t smoke.”

“Don’t be daft, you have a fantastic figure and not all models smoke.”

“You know any?”

I shook my head.

“Well I do and they are neurotic, all of them. My mother was a model and it screwed her up well and truly.”

“But look at Lily Cole, she’s amazing and brainy.”

“There’s always an exception to every rule. I need another coffee.”

We stopped in a tiny café near the tube station.

“So what do you want to do, you know, when you eventually leave the club?”

“Fashion design, there’s a course I’m saving for.”

“How come Ryan went to uni and you have to save for your own fees?”

She stirred a huge spoonful of sugar into her latte and smiled. “Daddy’s favourite that’s Ryan, he’s always been brainy and had real direction, I didn’t have a clue. Dad said he wouldn’t waste any more money on a pretty but dim woman like he did with my mother.”

“Harsh.”

“But at the time fair. He adored Ryan but I was never Daddy’s little girl. I basically got ignored except at parties when he wanted to show off his doll.”

“So your Dad’s pretty well off then?”

“Like I said before, we don’t talk about him. Ryan and I made a pact not to. We get on well but I can’t stand my father so I prefer not to discuss him.”

“When you are a rich and famous fashion designer you can say ‘yarboo sucks’ to him.”

“He wouldn’t care less. Now let’s change the subject. We need to sort you out Mira, get you a new look and a better life.”

“Oh yeah and how is that miracle going to be accomplished?” I stared at her as if she might be a miracle making angel, but no, she was still the raunchy stunner I’d left the house with. No one else would get away with thigh high boots, leather look jeans and a feathery pink jumper so early on a Monday morning.

If I knew one thing, I knew my career path wouldn’t take me into fashion.

“Marvin was happy enough with you that night you stood in for me. He’s always looking for new talent, why don’t you listen to me; we’ll get you a new look and give it a try. Think of the cash cupcake; just think of the cash. Sometimes we have to do crap to get to where we want to be.”

I suddenly spotted a sparkly ring on her little finger, “That’s pretty!” I reached out to take her hand to get a closer look. “Is that a real diamond?”

“It is a little token from one of the gents at the club.”

“Oh.” I didn’t know what to say. Talk about being popular.

“Some of them have more money than sense and when it comes to women they have no sense.”

“You don’t have to do anything else do you?”

Scarlett eyed me warily. “Like what?”

“Oh nothing, ignore me.”

“You mean have sex with them?” She grinned.

“I don’t want to know.”

“Nah, well not unless I like them but Marvin doesn’t approve so I have to be careful.”

“Scarlett that’s prostitution!” The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them and I withered under her glare. She didn’t contradict me but the mood between us changed in an instant.

The shopping trip became tense and Scarlett’s mood fragile. We went to shops I wouldn’t have afforded so much as a hairclip in. I felt like an alien but Scarlett glided through with amazing confidence. She deserved to be here, I thought, I didn’t.”

I bitterly regretted my outburst. “I’ll buy you lunch” I said, eager to make up with her.

Before she could answer, her mobile bleeped. She pressed it to her ear and turned away. I wondered if it were one of her men friends. After a short discussion she turned back to me, “It’s Ryan, do you fancy meeting him for a drink tonight?”

I never knew what was coming next with those two. I managed a nod. Unsmilingly she drawled into the phone “Yes she’s up for it.” A few words more and she ended the call with a “See ya.”

I gave her a quizzical look and she shrugged. “I just said I was with you and he asked if you could meet him at The Dog and Sparrow at seven.”

Strange kind of date I thought, not exactly a swanky pub, more of a darts and beer swilling kind of dive. “Just me?”

“Think so, strange place.” She said echoing my thoughts. “Did I hear you say you’d buy me lunch?” She grinned at me.

“I’m sorry for what I said earlier. What you do is up to you, it’s not for me to judge. I don’t think I could do it though, I just..”

“I know, you’re not that kind of girl. You’re a nice girl from a nice family. It’s only dysfunctional types that end up with my lifestyle.”

“You’re not dysfunctional, you can’t help what your parents were like but I do worry about you. It might be dangerous.”

“Cupcake it’s not for long, another year and I’ll be out of it. At least you care. It’s my choice and I am careful you know.”

“You hear such awful stories.”

She put an arm around my shoulders, “Forget about me, let’s think about you, come on, we’ll write a list of things you could do why we have lunch. Where shall we go?”

Later as I sat in The Dog and Sparrow waiting for Ryan I thought of Scarlett’s lifestyle. I knew he would be mortified if he knew. How could we have a relationship if I knew all these secrets about his sister? I laughed a little at myself, as if that were going to happen anyway. Then I chided myself, no, I had to be more positive, why shouldn’t I be hopeful? I must learn to value myself, that’s what Scarlett told me, Scarlett who slept with the highest bidder.

I stared around the pub, a dark seedy pit with a crack in the entrance door window. The bar seemed to be full of rowdy men waving notes at the cheery barmaid who laughed at their cheesy jokes as if she’d never heard anything funnier. I’d given up trying to order a drink as she ignored me in their favour. Ryan could buy me one. Although lunch hadn’t been expensive, I’d not been left with much change.

A tall man with bad teeth asked if he could join me. I pointedly looked at my watch and said I was waiting for my boyfriend. Ignoring me he sat down.

“Boyfriend?” he wiped the rim of his pint glass with a dirty finger and winked, “Late is he? You sure he’s coming?”

His rank breath made me gag. Suddenly I felt very annoyed with Ryan for making me wait for him in this dodgy dive with characters straight out of a horror film. I thought about getting up and going.

“Probably gone off with another bird.” He leant forward and grasped my wrist, “Aw don’t be frosty with me love, just trying to keep you company. If he don’t turn up I know a great little pizza place just up the road, I’ll take yer for a spot of grub.”

I glared at him. “I don’t think so.”

“Not surprising he’s gone off with another bird what with you being such a frosty one. Mind you, I like the chase me.” He slurped his beer and droplets dripped onto his protruding chin.

I grabbed my bag and started to get up, I couldn’t wait any longer, seven Ryan had said and now it was nearly twenty past. Even if Scarlett had got the name of the pub wrong, surely he would have phoned by now to see where I was?

Then I heard him call my name. I jumped with such relief I knocked the pint glass right out of Rank Breath’s hand and beer spilled straight into his crotch. “Oi!” He screamed, “You better buy me another.”

I ignored him and dashed over to Ryan who stood staring at me, his face serious. “Sorry I’m a bit late, had to stitch up a cat’s leg, it got run over and came in as an emergency. I’d have called but by the time I left I thought I might as well concentrate on getting here. Drink?”

“Do we have to stay here?” I glanced over at Rank Breath who gazed back at me hopefully.

“Er well yeah, I’ve arranged for Ted and Katie to meet us here in about twenty minutes then I thought we could go get something to eat.”

“Ted and Katie?” I wanted to howl with grief, “I thought it was going to be just us?”

He stared at me as if I were mad.

“Ryan I need to talk to you and I can’t do it in front of them.”

He shifted his feet uncomfortably. “Er well we’ve got twenty minutes or so, they’re never on time.”

I sighed, “I’ll have a half of bitter.”

“You drink beer?” He looked pleased.

I’d rather have arsenic, I thought dolefully.

Before I was born onto land… I was a fish

Also by Petra Kidd

The Eight of Swords

The Putsi

You can connect with Petra Kidd via Twitter @PetraKidd or visit her

Facebook page here Petra Kidd Writes

The next chapter of Before I was born onto land I was a fish will be posted shortly…

Apr21

Before I was born… Chapter Twenty-one

Posted on April 21, 2013 by petrakidd

Standard

Sunday lunch – Meet the parents

My mind raced through the daytime happenings over and over again as I lay in my bed. Perhaps this house had put a jinx on me. I couldn’t remember life being so difficult before I moved in. Actually that wasn’t true; it had been complex but mainly because of my memories of my former life. Now those memories were mixed up with adult concerns such as men, money, work, housemates and family.

I rehearsed the phone call to Ryan to tell him he must call Digby off, as if Digby were a rampant dog who wouldn’t let go of my leg. Not so far from the truth. The chubby and apparently charming mortician seemed to have a knack for getting everyone to eat out of his hand except for me. I didn’t care about his annual income, his dark suits or commanding air, or his wealthy background. I quite simply found him loathsome. If by some miracle I ever found myself in a relationship with Ryan, Digby would never be allowed to darken my doorstep again.

My father’s eyes lit up when he entered, as if finally his future son-in-law had arrived. It took only seconds for Digby to ingratiate himself by mentioning he’d spent the morning riding out with hounds. “Of course, strictly speaking we are only drag hunting but between you and me, well say no more..”

He gave one of his barking laughs and finally Daisy threw me a look of pure sympathy.

“Ah chicken, smells good.”

“There isn’t enough for you to stay.” The words shot out of my mouth in sheer panic.

Digby grinned at me with affection, “More of a red meat man myself but I’m sure there’s room for a little one.”

Daisy snorted.

“Well there isn’t.”

I hadn’t noticed Maddy dragging in a chair from the sitting room for him. I sighed so deeply I thought my lungs would break.

When someone is so forceful and others don’t spot your opposition, you have little chance other than to give in. I filled the plate Maddy proffered on his behalf with all the bony bits I could muster.

No sooner had I filled the plate than the doorbell rang again. This time Daisy decided to answer.

He returned with a tall man sporting a grey ponytail and square jaw.

“This apparently is Frank the pottery teacher.” Daisy made an elaborate gesture with his right arm as if presenting nobility.

Maddy leapt up as if her seat had just come out of a furnace. “Oh Frank, what are you doing ‘ere?”

Frank stood transfixed by the gathered company for some moments before he answered. “I need a word in private Maddy, if you could..”

Instead of doing as I expected and immediately disappearing upstairs with him, Maddy sat rooted to the spot. “Well we are just about to eat. Go wait in the seeting room and I weel be there when I ‘ave finished my deener.”

My enthralled mother raised her eyebrows at such apparent rudeness.

“It’s ok Maddy, go if you want to.” I wanted her to go, I wanted Digby to go too but he too remained rooted to the spot, forking chicken into his mouth with gusto. I wondered how fast he could swallow red meat if that was his favourite.

“I want my deener,” Said Maddy eyeing her plate mournfully, “I am so hungry.”

Frank stood staring at us all as if he wasn’t used to being disobeyed, especially not by one of his students.

“You better join us Frank,” Said my father, apparently as enthralled with all this activity as my mother. “I’m sure we can eek out a little more.”

I stared at the chicken. Suddenly it appeared I had biblical miracles to perform. Having lost my appetite the minute Digby arrived, I decided Frank could have my portion of chicken. “Yes find a chair and join us,” I breathed wearily, “Maddy budge up and let Frank in.”

Delighted by my acceptance of her illicit lover, Maddy beckoned him to share her chair. I hoped this wouldn’t end in the usual fondling she unashamedly indulged in with Goddard regardless of company. The minute I thought of Goddard I began to worry he might be the next unexpected guest. The thought that things usually happen in threes panicked me further.

Daisy read my thoughts. “Where is Goddard today?”

Scarlett, silent until now suddenly started giggling. “Yes Maddy, where is the ardent trombonist?”

Frank appeared completely untouched by these comments. He sat coolly surveying the people parked at the table. His eyes immediately settled on Scarlett the moment she spoke and from thereon in he became transfixed. As if no one else were in the room he focused on her.

“So Frank,” Said my father, “What kind of pottery do you do?”

“Pots,” Said Frank without so much as a glance in his direction.

Scarlett smirked. “So you are the potty man. You’d have to be potty to be bonking Maddy.”

My mother choked on a mouthful of chicken. Daisy patted her daintily on the back as if that would dislodge so much as a morsel. Luckily the choke was more of the shocked kind than one that called for the Heimlich maneuver.

Entranced by Scarlett’s looks Frank merely smirked back and raised his eyebrows. “Who says I am?”

Maddy frowned but for once managed to remain silent.

Digby continued to masticate, every now and then glancing up at me as if to check I hadn’t left the room.

My father decided that this would be a good time to interrogate Digby as if he were indeed a potential suitor for his unwilling and by now highly embarrassed daughter.

While Maddy ping ponged between a suave pottery teacher and a geek trombonist, I recoiled from the chubby mortician and reeled from the disinterest of a ridiculously handsome vet. I took a swig of wine and chewed on the bread I’d been left with after everyone had helped themselves to the chicken. Maddy forked the last of it onto Frank’s plate.

“I always fancied having a go on a potter’s wheel,” Said my mother. Everyone ignored her.

I wished I could fall asleep and find this to be yet another nightmare. Instead of being woken up by a nightmare, here I found myself in a waking one.

“So Digby what is your five year plan?”

My father’s favourite question, he asked anyone he met this as a matter of course. Digby swallowed and smiled. “I’m buying my own place next month so within the next five years I plan not to have a mortgage. I expect to be married,” He slyly glanced my way, “And all being well get a couple of children thrown in.”

Daisy sighed, “I remember having plans but life got in the way.”

My father ignored this comment. “Sounds very sensible young man, and what are the prospects for you careerwise?”

I cringed, my cheeks burning hotly. Daisy smirked.

“Well the reason I’m in a position to buy my own house at last is because I’ve just been made a partner in the firm. One of the old guys recently retired so a natural vacancy occurred. I’m pretty lucky actually; in these smaller firms you can wait a lifetime to get up the ladder. I’ve known them and done odd jobs for them since I was a kid so they trust me implicitly.”

“So you plan to be a mortician all your life then?” I blurted out, quite horrified.

Digby wiped his hands carefully on a piece of kitchen roll doubling as a napkin. “I don’t really like that job description so much; funeral director has a more attractive ring to it.”

My father nodded approvingly. I shook my head.

Frank finally addressed us all instead of just Scarlett, “I once drew a dead body as a commission.” He let the words hang to give merit to their true weight.

“What did they pay you in? Coffin tokens?” Daisy retorted with a dangerous twinkle in his eye.

“No she gave me five thousand pounds. The widow happened to be very wealthy and she wanted a lasting image of her deceased husband.” Frank’s face remained stonily serious. Maddy gazed at him with a mixture of admiration and incredulity.

“You never told me about that!”

“Doubt you ever freed up his mouth long enough to,” Sniggered Scarlett.

“Dessert anyone?” I had to change the subject. I couldn’t stand to think of such morbidity for a moment longer.

Digby responded as if he were a racing driver who needed to be first over the line to ascertain his place. “Oh yes please.” He turned to my father, “Jolly good little cook your daughter.”

My dad beamed with pleasure.

My soggy trifle went down a treat. I decided had I served pigswill, Digby would have complimented it.

The others swallowed their meager portions with little comment.

Later when my parents left, after tea and dry fruit cake and we eventually dispatched Digby who wouldn’t leave without forcing me to promise I’d go to the theatre with him to see some courtroom drama, I realized Maddy and Frank had disappeared.

“Didn’t see them go.” Daisy squeezed the roasting tray into a cupboard already full to bursting.

“Bound to be upstairs bonking,” Laughed Scarlett who’d been very helpful with the clearing away too. “I like your mum and dad; they’re just so simple and uncomplicated. Not like my neurotic mother and her list of unsuitable lovers. Bet your childhood passed without a hitch.”

“Not entirely.” I didn’t want to talk about how tormented my memories of being a fish had been. I wanted to curl up on the sofa and plan my call to Ryan.

No such luck. Maddy’s feet suddenly rocketed down the stairs, Frank’s longer legs jumped down behind her. “I don’t want to stop seeing you but I have to, she is suspicious.”

We all moved to the kitchen doorway to listen properly.

“Yeah, only suspeecious, she don’t know. You will just have to be more careful.”

“You’ll just have to accept it, I’m married and I can’t leave her, she’ll fall apart without me.”

We heard Maddy scoff. When did she ever care about anyone else’s feelings? Daisy raised his eyebrows at me, “We didn’t bring her up right did we?” He whispered. Scarlett giggled.

“You can still come to the lessons but I can’t stay on afterwards, she made me promise to go straight home.”

“What are you, tied by some apron strings? I thought you ‘ad some balls but no, you are the weak little man who play with the clay.”

“You liked it when we played with the clay!”

As they argued Scarlett quietly withdrew a piece of paper from the back pocket of her jeans and passed it in front of Daisy and I. Scribbled in pencil were the words ‘call me’ and a mobile phone number. She pointed in the direction of Maddy and Frank squabbling. Daisy clutched his mouth and I clutched my forehead. Then we all got uncontrollable giggles and had to move deeper into the kitchen in case they heard us. It wasn’t long before we heard the front door violently slam shut and the sound of sobbing.

“You go to her,” Said Daisy jabbing his forefinger at Scarlett, “Tell her what he did.”

“She can’t do that; Maddy will punch her, even if it isn’t her fault. No just leave it, Maddy’ll find someone else in no time, she always does.” I felt so tired, I couldn’t face anymore histrionics. “She likes Digby, she can go to the bloody theatre with him, marry him, have his little pall bearers.”

Daisy and Scarlett squealed with laughter.

“What you laughing at?” Maddy pushed open the kitchen door; and we were surprised to see her sad little tear stained face. I felt guilty at our insensitivity but then she rarely had time for any of us when things went wrong. “I’ll make you a nice hot chocolate, how’s that?”

Daisy and Scarlett swiftly left us to it, Scarlett waving her paper proposition at me as she swayed out.

“You know, men, are they really worth it?” The old lines are the best; I decided, filling a saucepan with milk and searching the cupboard for cocoa.

Maddy sat sulkily swinging her legs from a kitchen chair. “We were ‘aving such a nice time, I can’t believe ‘e suddenly got a conscience.”

Of course I couldn’t tell her his conscience didn’t play any part in his breaking up with her. “What about Goddard, he’d be heartbroken if he knew you were playing away?”

“He love his trombone more than he love me.” Thoughtfully she added, “Are there any biscuits?” Pining for her lost love had apparently not affected her appetite.

“No.” I didn’t want her gobbling up the last of my chocolate digestives. “If you don’t want Goddard and you can’t have Frank, how about Digby?”

She pondered this question for some time, enough time for the milk to boil, the cocoa powder to be added and for me to stir the brown liquid.

“Put some sugar in eet will you? It’s a bit bitter without it.”

Obediently I emptied some granules into the mug on the table. Typically I got no thanks for my efforts from her, she deserved Digby.

She fixed me with a mournful stare, “I don’t theenk I am ready to settle down yet. I thought he is looking for a wife?”

“You’d be well off and secure, pop out a pair of pall bearers and you’d make him the happiest man alive, how can you resist?”

“But he is devoted to you. I see the way ‘e looks at you.”

“I’m not ready to settle down either Maddy and certainly not with him. Not easily satisfied are we?”

We sat in silence for a while, me thinking about how I must call Ryan soon and Maddy who knew what?

Eventually she smiled, “I think I’ll go to the next pottery class just to make sure.”

I could only dream of having the same tenacity.

Before I was born onto land… I was a fish

Also by Petra Kidd

The Eight of Swords

The Putsi

You can connect with Petra Kidd via Twitter @PetraKidd or visit her

Facebook page here Petra Kidd Writes

The next chapter of Before I was born onto land I was a fish will be posted on

Sunday 28th April

Apr14

Before I was born… Chapter Twenty

Posted on April 14, 2013 by petrakidd

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Gatecrasher

“Nothing wrong with assertiveness,” Grunted my father chewing a large lump of rump steak. He and my mother were celebrating their thirtieth wedding anniversary with me at a small but expensive continental restaurant. Waiters swished by, crisp in their black and white uniforms, men in suits sat murmuring to women wearing designer labels and the neck of the champagne bottle chilling in an ice bucket pointed my way.

Strangely I felt as though I had been here before, but I hadn’t. I sat self-consciously hoping no one would want to inspect the label in my dress to see if I might be an imposter in this place.

“Too many young men are rather wishy-washy to my mind these days. This Digby fellow sounds like he knows what he’s about.”

I rolled my eyes. “He’s a creepy freak, that’s what he is.”

“That’s what your mother here thought of me until I wooed her with a trip to see Rudolf Nureyev in action.”

I stared at him, “You took her to see Rudolf Nureyev?”

“Only at the cinema dear, don’t get excited.” My mother sounded weary.

I decided to change the subject. “Aunty Clara took me out for lunch the other day, she looks awful.”

“More champagne madam?” a waiter hovered.

“Yes please,” My mother took a large gulp the moment her glass bubbled to the brim. “How did Clara look?”

I explained how shocked I’d been by her appearance. “She said it’s a virus but seems to be on long-term sick leave from work. To be honest I was surprised she came out to lunch if that’s the case.”

“A virus?” said Dad with a degree of incredulity. “She didn’t tell you then?”

I felt the table rock as my mother gave him a sharp kick beneath it.

“Tell me what?”

They exchanged looks and fell silent. I repeated the question, my stomach muscles tensing in fear.

My mother reached out and took my hand, “It is cancer dear.”

White noise filled my ears. It all made sense. My heart pounded and I let my knife and fork fall noisily onto the plate. People opposite us looked up in alarm.

“I thought that’s why she wanted to take you out to lunch, to tell you.” She squeezed my hand tightly. “They need to do more tests and well; it might not be so bad.”

Tears spilled onto my cheeks and my mouth filled with salt water. I didn’t want to cry, we were supposed to be celebrating not commiserating. “She didn’t tell me what it was, I tried to get her to but she didn’t. I told her I’d go with her for the tests.” My words came out in faltering sobs. “She said she wanted to go travelling.”

“And she will, once she’s had treatment.” Dad poured me more champagne. “She’ll get through it Mira, tough as old boots she is.

It didn’t seem right to be drinking champagne, but as it was the only alcohol on offer I gulped it down gratefully. “She seemed more worried about my career than her health, or lack of it.”

Dad laughed, “Yes, that’ll be right, you’ve got some catching up to do with Tammy and Christian.”

“Don’t remind me,” I groaned. “The high achievers of the family, can’t I remain the black sheep?”

“Thought you were a fish?” Mother pulled an expression of comedic confusion.

We all laughed.

“She’s right though, I’ve been worrying about you myself Mira.” Dad squinted at me. “You can’t be a temp forever now can you? My credit card can’t take much more y’know.”

He winked at me but I knew he was semi-serious.

“It’s that or marriage and babies, take your pick.”

My love life emulated my working life, full of false promise and non-starters. “I’ve not been here much more than a month; give me a chance. Tammy and Christian are both older than me anyhow, and they had trust funds to get them started.”

“So it’s even more important you better them, show some competitive spirit.”

I knew my father mocked but deep down panic gripped me. “Very funny Dad, I’m not as beautiful and clever as Tammy and Christian has an inherent gift of the gab. It is your fault, if I had better genes I’d be a high flier too.”

My mother laughed, “Touché.”

“Yes typical, blame the parents. Your mother is beautiful, and I’m clever, so you can’t blame genes.” He winked and I knew he didn’t mean his nagging. “So I’m very much looking forward to visiting your house and meeting your housemates tomorrow. Particularly this Daisy character I keep hearing about.”

The night before, Daisy had spent the evening parading in front of Maddy, Scarlett and I in a number of zany outfits. His growing following at the club meant he needed to expand his wardrobe. “Marvin has kindly injected my bank account with funds and I’m not one to argue.” He’d told us gleefully as he pranced across our drab sitting room resembling Joan Collins in the late seventies. False eyelashes flicked his cheeks, costume jewellery sparkled at his neck and he caught a heel in one of the floorboards, flailed dangerously into the fireplace and split his silky sheath dress up the seam. Who knew what my conservative, golf playing, Daily Mail reading father would make of him. Daisy didn’t like sport and had become an ardent opponent of fox hunting. Never the twain should meet, I thought, picking at my raspberry coulis.

“The thing is,” I said thoughtfully, “Is not to judge a book by its cover. You taught me that.”

“And we don’t dear,” My mother said softly, “You know that.”

I wondered if they had ever encountered someone like Daisy in the leafy lanes of darkest Kent. I doubted it.

“That Maddy sounds a character.”

Mum had obviously been filling in my father after our weekly telephone calls. When he knew the full truth about my housemates I imagined him suggesting I move to somewhere more conventional, back home, for instance.

I tried to pave the way. “The thing is, they are a bit loud and erm opinionated but they are the nicest people you could wish to meet. We all get on very well.” I lied, thinking of the screaming match Daisy and Maddy ended the night with when she’d told him he looked more like Mrs Doubtfire than Joan Collins.

“Well I can’t wait,” He grinned winking at my mother.

I’d spent the day cleaning while the others watched with fascination.

“Are your parents very house proud then?” asked Daisy languidly leaning against the bathroom door.

“They prefer not to sit on toilets decorated with mildew, if that’s house proud then I suppose so.”

“How are you going to get the stains out of the sofa?” asked Maddy, having created most of them with her sloppy eating habits.

I told her I didn’t know as I moved on to scrubbing lime scale off the taps. Typically neither of them offered to help.

“Pity we haven’t got a spare room really,” Said Daisy, “Would’ve been fun if they could stay.”

I stared at him, my nostrils full of stinking chemicals. “Are you mad?” I wondered which one of them to bribe to be out when my parents came, I couldn’t afford both. I knew Scarlett would behave, but these two were a law unto themselves.

“Are you going to cook?” Maddy’s eyes shone with hope.

“Yes, I’m going to do a Sunday roast.”

“Aw great!” They said in unison.

“Can Goddard come?”

I sighed, “I’m sorry but I can’t afford to feed the five thousand. My supermarket chicken will no doubt shrink to poussin size once all the water they’ve pumped it up with leaks out.”

“Poowhat?”

“Poussin you ignorant shortarse,” Said Daisy, “It’s a baby chicken.”

Maddy glared at him. “That’s not English word.”

“No it’s French.”

“Well I don’t know no French.”

I wished I hadn’t made the comment. “Never mind, like I said, I can only afford to feed us housemates and my parents this time, unless you want to contribute Maddy?”

She gave a sulky shake of her spiky haired head.

“Didn’t think so you tightwad shortarse.” It wasn’t like Daisy to be so vicious with his comments. Maddy skulked off downstairs, unusually without a retort.

“Can you two try and get on for the duration of their visit please.” I wheedled.

“Oh yes dear. She just keeps rubbing me up the wrong way at the moment.”

Something to do with her having a vibrant love life; while Daisy had no love interest, I suspected. “How are things Daisy? I know you’re busy at the club but you seem a bit down.”

“Me dear? Down dear? No dear!”

“Don’t lie.”

He gave me a rueful look. “Everyone seems to have someone going on but me. I’m lonely.”

His honesty gave a little stab to my heart. If anyone deserved to be loved it was Daisy.

“If it’s any consolation, I am too. There’s nothing worse than being ignored by someone you really like. I know my parents are going to be quizzing me later on my love life and all I can offer is Digby the stalker.”

“You could do worse; he’s a nice enough chap.”

“Oh yes, you’d want him as a boyfriend would you?”

“Quite frankly dear, right now I’d settle for Quasi bloody Modo.”

I put the bottle of lime scale remover on the windowsill wondering why it had to smell so foul and gave him an awkward hug. We rarely exchanged any physical contact other than the odd thump but right now the poor man looked like he needed a cuddle.

When I pulled away he gave a little sniff and turned away.

“Oh Daisy, I love you. Tell you what if we don’t find anyone else within the year we’ll marry each other.”

This brought the required response, a haughty scoff. “Oh no dear, if cleanliness is next to Godliness then you are far too religious for me!”

We laughed.

“I know a nice reverend who could perform the ceremony, imagine, Maddy could be bridesmaid.”

We laughed even harder at that idea.

“You’d be too busy bitching at each other to remember the vows.”

Cheered by the fantasy of how crazy our wedding could be, Daisy decided to help me by tidying up the piles of post scattered all over the hall table. No one in our house ever seemed to open any of it in the fear it might be a bill.

Sunday morning my parents arrived by taxi at eleven thirty on the dot.

“They are here,” Screamed Maddy from her watchful post by the sitting room window.

I’d put flowers on the hall table in place of the post to brighten the place up. Daisy inserted a CD of jazz tunes into our large old-fashioned hifi; the oven had been switched on ready to accommodate the largest chicken I had found on the supermarket shelf. The newly cleansed and prepped house seemed welcoming and as bright as it could do despite the worn furnishings.

Daisy called for Scarlett to come down and the three of them lined up in the hallway as if ready to meet royalty. I felt touched at their apparently thrilled anticipation although I knew a large part of it happened to be playacting for fun.

Maddy wore a mini skirt slightly less short than usual. Scarlett wore a peasant style top over worn blue jeans and managed to look as stunning as ever. Daisy wore a blue jumper with a diamond pattern on it with the blue polyester trousers from his suit. I felt a pang of disappointment that he’d toned down his look so much, I knew my mother would certainly be frustrated after all my detailed descriptions of his daily wear. He’d even managed to put his wig on straight. At least my father wouldn’t be alarmed.

I opened the door and let them in. My housemates stood to attention, waiting to be introduced. Maddy dropped a curtsey, Scarlett beamed at them, and Daisy gave an elaborate bow and winked at my mother making her blush. Miraculously his wig stayed on.

I ushered everyone into the sitting room suggesting we all have coffee while we waited for dinner to cook.

“Marvelous,” Said my Dad, “I’m just ready for some caffeine.”

I left my housemates all staring at my parents in fascination.

“Mira looks like you.” I heard Maddy say to one of them, I had no idea which. To my mind I didn’t look like either.

I returned with a large tray laden with an assortment of mugs, coffee pot and plate of biscuits.

Daisy stood by the fireplace in his usual languid pose. Maddy sat on the arm of the sofa sizing up my father, Scarlett leapt up to help me with the tray. Usually so cool, I felt touched by her apparent desire to please me by being friendly to my family.

“Well I’ve heard lots about you all so it’s really good to meet you at last,” Said my mother flashing a somewhat nervous smile around the room.

“What she said about me then?” Maddy frowned as if I had been telling tales out of school.

“Only er good things.” Said Mum, obviously regretting her statement straight away. “You come from Poland I believe?”

“Humph.” Said Maddy.

Daisy smiled charmingly at my mother, “Mira is like a breath of fresh air in this house, she cleans, she cooks she listens to our moans and groans. I can barely remember life before she came.”

My mother beamed at him and my father looked suspicious but didn’t utter a word.

Scarlett passed round mugs. “It’s so nice that you’ve come to visit. Wild horses wouldn’t drag my mother here and my brother only comes if I nag. I do like your dress, such a lovely colour. Do you need sugar? Can I call you Mum and Dad too, surrogate parents would be wonderful?”

Maddy stared at Scarlett as if she’d gone stark staring mad. Daisy blinked rapidly. I could not detect a trace of irony in her request. She seemed genuinely happy to have my parents here. A warm glow of affection for Scarlett encompassed me.

“I don’t mind sharing them with you. After all you’ve all become like family now.” I took a sip of coffee and reeled at its strength.

Dad grinned at Scarlett and purposely ignored Daisy and Maddy. “I always wanted another daughter.”

“Did you dear?” This was apparently news to my mother .

We ate a little later than anticipated. I forgot to put the roast potatoes in soon enough so we had to wait an extra half hour.

Just as we settled at the kitchen table the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it,” Squealed Maddy reversing her chair from the table with such force she nearly went over backwards.

“Bet she’s invited Goddard anyway.” Daisy winked at me.

I hoped not, the chicken looked barely big enough to feed us.

Moments later she put her head round the kitchen door. “Mira, there’s someone here to see you.”

I handed the carving knife to Daisy and stood up. “Won’t be a moment,” I tried to hide my irritation at the realization Maddy seemed to be up to no good.

Digby stood beaming at me from just inside the hallway.

“Look it’s Digby.” Grinned Maddy as if I were a blind person.

“We’re just having lunch, with my parents. This isn’t a good time.”

“Oh I’d love to meet them.” Digby strode past me, Maddy and I followed in his wake; me shocked by his audacity and Maddy positively gleeful.

The phone call to Ryan appeared to be long overdue.

Before I was born onto land… I was a fish

Also by Petra Kidd

The Eight of Swords

The Putsi

You can connect with Petra Kidd via Twitter @PetraKidd or visit her

Facebook page here Petra Kidd Writes

Chapter Twenty-one of Before I was born will be posted on

Sunday 21st April

Apr8

Before I was born…Chapter Nineteen

Posted on April 8, 2013 by petrakidd

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Digby the determined

I screamed at Digby to get his tongue out of my ear. I knew this to be a dream but I could actually feel it determinedly flicking in my aural crevices. Ryan stood watching, his face impassive. I mouthed at him to help me, as I seemed to be frozen to my seat on the train. Eventually he offered a hand to pull me up, as he did so I glanced at Digby who had become a devil scorpionfish with evil looking spikes and darting eyes. Ryan dragged me the length of the carriage, pulled open the emergency door and I looked out into the darkness of the tunnel. He whispered into my ear “Jump.” Scared to death, I did and suddenly I found myself swimming frantically through the tunnel towards the light at the end.

Before I could reach the light, I woke up. 2am. I threw the duvet off my sweat soaked body, grabbed the nearest hoodie and padded downstairs, taking care to avoid the steps that squeaked.

I found Scarlett slumped over the kitchen table. A glass of water and a strip of pills lay next to her. I turned on the tap to pour myself a glass and joined her at the table. I poked her arm to elicit some response and eventually she groaned and raised her face to mine. “What?”

“You’re exhausted, go to bed.”

She stared at me for some moments as if trying to determine who I was.

“What are those pills?”

“Just um, something to help me sleep. Marvin got them for me.”

I must have let out a tut because she quickly withdrew them from the table and tucked them into her jacket pocket. “They’re harmless.” She suggested sheepishly.

“Yeah right. You look wasted, what time did you get in?”

She squinted at the kitchen clock but seemed unable to work out an answer to that question. Instead she changed the subject. “You heard from my darling bro?”

I sighed and briefly described the dinner party and my lift home with the delightful Digby.

“Oh God, did he ask for your number?”

I nodded.

“You didn’t give it to him?”

I nodded. “I did it to be rid of him.”

“Well you won’t be rid of him now.” She sat up straight and rubbed her eyes. “He’s a nightmare that one. He has joined every dating agency you can think of, goes to loads of those speed dating things and always bats above his weight.”

“Excuse me, I’m not that fat!” I stared down at my hips.

“No cupcake, that’s an expression meaning he goes for girls far too good for him.”

“Oh. Well I’ll just avoid his calls.”

Scarlett laughed, “Like that’ll save you. No you’ll have to talk to Ryan and tell him to call him off.”

Like a dog, I thought and shuddered. “I can’t understand why Ryan let him drive me home if he’s that bad.”

“He’s harmless enough but erm, persistent shall we say?”

I sighed. All I needed right now was a persistent mortician on my tail. “Did you know about Catya?” I steeled myself for her answer, fully expecting to be told Catya was the love of Ryan’s life.

Scarlett stared at me for a few moments before answering. “Yeah, he went out with her for a couple of years, they’re very close but it ended months ago. Was she at the dinner thing then?”

I explained how she’d acted as hostess.

“He’s a mystery my brother, goodness knows why he let you go home with Digby. The guy’s a creep, I mean he’s into bus spotting and lepidoptery.”

“What?”

“Moths, he’s obsessed with moths.”

How would I ever sleep again?

“I’ve got to go to bed,” Said Scarlett as if reading my thoughts.

The next day I sleepwalked to the station, dozed on the tube and reached the office ready to pass out on my desk.

Lucy stared at me. “You been out clubbing?”

I shook my head and yawned. “Bad night, not much sleep.”

“Oh have one of these.” She tossed a can at me.

‘Toxic Shock’ it said on the label. ‘High caffeine content.’

I opened it up and took a large gulp. Nothing. I swallowed more and suddenly my heart kicked into action like a clockwork mouse in my chest. “Bloody hell Lucy, I’m going to have a heart attack!”

She laughed, “Yes it has that affect on me too. You won’t conk out with that inside you.”

I struggled through the day with my supercharged heart strangely at odds with my languid limbs. If someone had said to me as I switched off my computer, what have you done today? I honestly don’t think I could have told them. My mind revolved like a merry-go-round between Ryan, Catya and Digby. I badly wanted to get off but simply had no off switch.

On the way home I popped into the corner shop to pick up a magazine. Sonny the owner’s son stood at the counter beaming at me. I laid the magazine on the counter and he read the cover subtitles out loud, ‘Hot tips to make you sexy for your man,’ ‘Get the body you want overnight,’ ‘Makeup tips to lure the lover you want.’ He squinted at me, “Are you going to try all these?”

I sighed and handed him the money.

“Only you don’t need to do all that to, er lure me.” He grinned leerily. “I can be your toyboy.”

“Sonny it was your eighteenth birthday last week. I don’t think so.”

“So, so what?” He frowned as if mystified.

His mother emerged from the stock room, her sari glistening under the fluorescent tubes of light.

“I don’t think your mother would approve somehow.”

She shone her beautiful smile my way. “Approve? Approve of what?”

“Mira here has agreed to be my wife so you don’t have to bother yourself with arranging anything for me.” Sonny folded his arms across his chest and jutted out his handsome chin.

“Oh excellent!” She laughed, winking at me. She plucked a newspaper from the shelf, rolled it up and flicked the back of his head with it. “At last someone else can clear up your toenail clippings from the bathroom basin.”

“Mother they do not belong to me.” Sonny made a show of outrage.

“Someone else can suffer the sight of you in your Mickey Mouse pyjamas you outgrew several years ago.”

“They are my favourite pyjamas.” Sonny declared proudly.

“Please, please, take him off my hands.” Sonny’s mother implored me.

“Er thanks but he is too young for me and I prefer Donald Duck.”

Sonny stared at me in disbelief. “But I am a red hot lover!”

“Who told you that?” Shouted his mother, hitting him again with the newspaper.

My head ached with laughing; I picked up my magazine and started to move away from the counter.

“There are queues of women wanting me, you’ll regret not taking up my offer.” Called Sonny earnestly.

“Yes you’ll see them queuing around the block outside. Be sure to send them in.”

Sonny stared at his mother in mock hurt.

I waved goodbye to them. They never failed to cheer me up and today I felt particularly grateful. I knew Sonny exchanged such banter with every woman who entered regardless of how old they happened to be but his warm smile and teasing made me feel better.

I bounced down the street wondering what to have for tea. I didn’t notice a large black car parked feet away from our front door.

Daisy called to me as soon as I entered the hallway. “Hello, Mira is that you?”

He sounded excited.

I pushed open the sitting room door to find Digby sitting on the sofa. He beamed up at me and I flinched at the sight.

Daisy frowned, “You didn’t tell me you have such an interesting friend. Digby here has been telling me all about the silly things people ask for their loved ones to be dressed in. One wanted her husband to be buried in his favourite S&M outfit, imagine!”

I didn’t want to. My blood ran cold at the thought of Digby recounting such tales. And this was Ryan’s friend. “Oh right, how tasteful.” I stared at Daisy who seemed positively enthralled by the rotund mortician.

“Another,” Daisy clasped his hands together in glee, “Wanted a moustache painted on her husband because he’d never agreed to grow one when he was alive.”

Digby had to be making this up. I glared at him. He didn’t seem at all fazed by Daisy’s outfit. Daisy wore a sober blue polyester suit, bright red winkle pickers, a purple spotted cravat and full makeup. His wig sat at a right angle to his painted on eyebrows. Sometimes I wondered if he mightn’t be colour blind. Given that this had to be the first time Digby had met Daisy, I found it impressive how at ease he appeared to be. It had taken Ryan a whole evening to get round to meeting his eyes and even then he quickly looked away whenever Daisy had addressed him directly.

“I’m going to get a beer.” I needed an excuse to leave the room. I noted that they had already helped themselves to my stash.

“Oh can you bring us some more.” Called Daisy. As I headed for the kitchen, I heard him say, “Has anyone ever opted to be buried in his underwear?”

I groaned. It sounded like Daisy had found himself a new best friend.

I took the beer upstairs, planning to get changed and read my book until Digby got fed up with being Daisy’s entertainer for the evening.

Half an hour later Maddy burst into my room. “Digby ees downstairs, with Daisy!” She imparted with glee. “They are a little bit drunk, eet’s ever so funny. You coming down, I got more beers?”

I didn’t feel enticed, at all; I did however feel surprised that Maddy had actually bought some beers for a change. “You bought beers?” I said with not an insignificant amount of incredulity.

“Goddard bought them, to be exact.” She grinned. “His way of saying sorry for being away practeesing so much lately.”

“Like you care.”

She ignored this comment. “We are having a takeaway, Digby is inseesting on paying, he ees so nice!”

Anyone who paid for anything instantly won Maddy over. “I’m not hungry,” I lied, my stomach gurgling. Traitor, I thought.

“Eet’s pizza, your favourite.” Maddy pulled at my arm causing me to drop my book. “You must come down, Deegby has so many funny stories, eet’s going to be a great evening and I haven’t had time with you for ages.”

“Let’s go out then.”

“I don’t have no money and I don’t want to miss out on these stories, they are too funny. Daisy wants to be a, how you say, take them under person?”

“An undertaker,” I sighed, knowing I would have little choice other than to suffer this evening. Everyone seemed to be obsessed with Digby.

In truth, surrounded by his fascinated audience, Digby knew how to hold court. I even found myself laughing at some of his tales, as macabre as they were. There was something about his supreme confidence and engaging manner that knocked down some of my defenses and I began to understand why Ryan might enjoy his company. In truth I could forgive Ryan anything.

Nevertheless, fancy him? No way. He seemed to sweat a great deal and the buttons on his shirt strained against his rotund belly. Even if he lost the weight, I could not see myself entertaining any ideas of romance with him.

“So how much do you earn?” Asked Maddy, typically cutting straight to the chase.

He smiled. “If I told you, I’d have to kill you!”

Daisy howled with laughter, “And he’d have you buried before you could say, dress me in this!”

As much as I hated to admit it to myself I ended up enjoying the evening. Digby didn’t leave until after 1am. Maddy kissed him goodbye with much enthusiasm. I tried to get away with a polite wave but he forcefully pulled me out of the armchair and planted his sweaty lips on mine. I heard Daisy emit a little ‘ooh.’

“I’ll call you tomorrow.” Digby murmured as he released my arms.

Had he been Ryan, my heart would have leapt through the ceiling at this promise. Instead I resigned myself to more nightmares.

Maddy pinched my arm as we cleared away the empty pizza boxes and beer bottles. “Beet of a catch that one.”

Daisy giggled, “And he’s determined to have his way with you Mira.”

I haughtily forbade them to ever mention him again in my presence, which they took as encouragement to tease me at every opportunity from thereon in.

Before I was born onto land… I was a fish

Also by Petra Kidd

The Eight of Swords

The Putsi

You can connect with Petra Kidd via Twitter @PetraKidd or visit her

Facebook page here Petra Kidd Writes

Chapter Nineteen of Before I was born will be posted on

Mar31

Before I was born onto land… Chapter Eighteen

Posted on March 31, 2013 by petrakidd

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Lunch with Aunty Clara

I lay awake waiting for the shrill noise of the alarm clock to pierce my right eardrum. I didn’t want to move. Life had been simple as a fish, I couldn’t think of any complications other than being dependent on others for food and the temperature of the water. I’d never had to fight off predators or fight for anything for that matter.

Ryan’s face floated before me. He’s not the only fish in the sea, I thought, there’s always a good stonefish ready to pick you up, like Digby. A bitter tinged chuckle gurgled in my throat.

It didn’t take much for me to reach the conclusion I should skip off work. The thought of making endless phone calls dealing with stupid problems like not enough nose trimmers to meet demand, Lucy’s sordid love life and Sharon’s cold stares because I wouldn’t give in and sign my life away to a permanent position were excuse enough. However, my bank balance, my father’s wrath at my recent expenditure and the need to stop thinking about the disaster of the previous night’s dinner party propelled me out of bed and into creased clothes.

Maybe this life seemed particularly hard because the previous one had been so easy.

It took all my willpower not to skip work and go to the aquarium. I realized I’d never be able to move on in this life if I didn’t make the effort to break free of the past. But this life is so hard. I felt hot tears well in the corners of my eyes and brushed them angrily away with my sleeve.

At lunchtime I’d visit some other agencies, buy a paper; look for another job. Think positive, that’s what Aunty Clara would say. I felt a sudden longing to see her.

Somehow I managed the journey to work. I stood in the tube struggling to find a happy face. People either had their noses buried in newspapers, books or laptops or were staring aimlessly into space. No one paid me any attention. I thought of the lap-dancing club, I’d had plenty of attention there. Perhaps one day I would be famous and successful, and then it would all crumble when one of Marvin’s customers pointed me out to the media. I imagined my whole world collapsing with the scandal, an unlikely prospect when I couldn’t even make a decision on a career to become that rich and well known in the first place.

I spent the morning searching the web for potential careers. Suddenly my mobile bleeped. We weren’t supposed to take personal calls at work but I fled to the toilet to take it. No one could make me ignore my Aunty Clara, and certainly not now. “You must have read my mind; I was going to call you later.”

“Really dear? I thought you’d forgotten me. Turns out I’m over your way, can you make lunch or is too short notice?”

I told her yes before she’d even finished the sentence. We arranged to meet at a nearby Indian restaurant. “I can’t wait to see you,” I said genuinely thrilled.

I arrived back at my desk just in time to catch Sharon depositing a list next to my computer.

“What’s that?”

“Everything I need you to do before your successor arrives.”

“My successor?” I stared at her.

“Yes, we’ve found someone to take over from you, someone who wants a permanent position here.” She said this as if I’d turned down the best job in the world. My heart took a leap of joy but my head told me the pressure would be on to find a new job very quickly.

“When are they starting?”

“Monday.”

“Monday!”

“The agency told me they had something else for you so don’t worry, you’ll be looked after.” She leant forward, “You’ve made a mistake you know, you won’t do any better than this place.”

I felt heat in my cheeks. How dare she say that? Not so long ago I’d been the best thing since sliced bread, now she thought me only worthy of this crappy job. Despite my anger I managed to smile at her, “We’ll see” I said coolly and flipped the list to one side. “I’m leaving early for lunch; I’ll deal with that this afternoon.”

If I couldn’t do any better than that rotten place I might as well marry Digby! I skipped down the road eager to greet my aunt.

I found her standing in the entrance of Lal Qila, we hugged then took a moment to gaze at one another.

“You still don’t look well,” I gasped, my lungs struggling with the sudden exercise in the cool air.

“You’re supposed to be young and fit and listen to you struggling to catch your breath!”

We hurried inside and were quickly settled at a table. “So?” I said as soon as I’d discarded my coat and tucked my bag under the chair next to me.

“Oh you know what viruses are like; they take forever to go away, especially at my age.” She winked at me.

I had no experience of viruses, apart from the odd cold and tummy bug and usual childhood maladies. “But you’ve been poorly for ages, what does the doctor say?”

“Oh doctors are full of bunkem, Dr Harry is nice enough but he keeps insisting on all manner of tests and what good will they do other than tie up my precious time sitting in hospital waiting rooms?”

I stared at her sunken eyes, yellowy skin and scrawny neck; she looked a bit like an out of sorts chicken. “But what if it is something serious and you don’t get treatment?” As soon as I said the words I wished I hadn’t, her face fell and her fingers tapped nervously on the menu.

“Well we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.” Her eyes brightened, “Now what do you want to eat? Shall we have a glass of wine?”

I nodded, why not? I thought of the list on my desk and grinned, who cared what I did now I would be leaving?

“Have you been back to work yet?”

Aunty worked as buyer for a small department store.

She shook her head, “No I’m still on sick leave.”

That’s odd, I thought, out to lunch while on sick leave. There had to be something she hadn’t told me. “How long are you going to be on that for?”

She shrugged and avoided my gaze, “Until I’m better I suppose.”

“I could come to the hospital with you, keep you company.”

A waiter arrived with poppadoms and chutney.

She ignored the suggestion. “I might go travelling; I’ve got quite a bit of money what with the pension Stan left and my own savings and investments.”

“On your own?”

She smiled and asked why not. “I’ve travelled plenty on my own.”

“But you’re not well; couldn’t Christian or Tamsin go with you?”

“Tammy has a new boyfriend, a young television actor I believe.”

Envy gripped me; Tammy had it all, a great job as an editor on a glossy fashion magazine, a huge apartment in New York and looks to rival Catya’s. We’d met once as adults and I’d been too frightened to speak such was my cousin’s aura. I forced myself to ask after Christian, my equally glamorous and high achieving cousin.

“He’s in Abu Dhabi, working with a Sheikh on some highly technical stuff I don’t quite understand. No girlfriend yet, but I doubt he has time.”

Sensitive to the wide gap between my achievements and those of my cousin’s my aunt skillfully changed the subject back to me. “So no young man for you yet? Your mother mentioned a…”

I regaled her with my ill fortune and she laughed kindly at my humorous account of the dinner party, my hopes of landing someone so hot and failing so terribly. It seemed better to make a joke of it all or I would seem pathetically tragic and I wanted her to be amused, not disappointed.

“So Digby has no chance then? Pity, you never know when you might need a good mortician.”

I didn’t find this funny, not given how poorly she appeared. “Well anyway, I’m going to concentrate on my career, men aren’t worth the effort.”

“Your uncle Stan was, but in truth he happened to be a rarity.”

Our starters arrived and I watched as Aunty Clara picked at hers. She seemed dreadfully thin.

“So what are you going to do now this job is coming to a close?”

“The agency has another for me.”

“And you are going to take it, just like that? Do you always just take whatever comes Mira?” Suddenly she sounded a little stern.

I swallowed a piece of onion bhaji and glanced around the restaurant as if looking for the answer. “Well at the moment I have to, er, the rent needs paying and I’ve blown a load of money on clothes to impress Ryan, Dad’s going to kill me.”

She smiled, “Your father thinks you are wonderful, and he’s right, you are. But you really need to find a direction to head in Mira or before you know it you’ll wake up one day, and wonder what happened. You’ll look in the mirror and be old like me and wonder about what you could have done. Don’t let that happen.”

Her words struck me like one of those large metal swinging balls you see on demolition sites. I’d had those thoughts myself of course but to hear them said out loud sent icy shards of fear straight through my heart. I could not remember Aunty Clara ever speaking so sternly to me.

“It would help if I had some definite talents but I’m not beautiful or clever like Tammy or adventurous like Christian.” I mumbled into my onion bhaji as I lifted it to my mouth.

Aunty Clara snorted with derision, “Yes you are! But for some strange reason you don’t believe in yourself and you always seem to be off in a dream. Your mother mentioned a past life you’ve become obsessed with, what’s all that about?”

For a moment I wondered if my aunt had been sent to sort me out by my parents. I sighed deeply and explained as briefly as I could. “So,” I finished “Before I was born onto land, I was a fish.” I sat waiting for her to make comment, or repeat one of the jokes I’d been treated to from others. I fully expected a disapproving look, a chiding lecture, the suggestion I might be a fantasist.” The main course arrived, for me a vegetable biryani, for my aunt a lamb kofta. We stared at the food lost in our thoughts.

“Your wine madams.” The waiter placed two glasses on the table, instructed us to enjoy our meals, nodded and glided off into the depths of the restaurant.

My aunt lifted her glass and took a sip of the wine. She pulled a face, “Not bad, I do like a good Merlot.”

I took a sip of mine and nodded in agreement. Had I been with Maddy or Daisy, the glass would be half empty already. “I know it sounds crazy but all these memories have been playing havoc with me trying to make my way in this life. God knows I’ve tried to find some answers.” I told her about my trip to the Clairvoyant and the Reverend Dafforn. “If I were a fantasist, I’d hardly have gone to a priest now would I?”

Slowly Aunty Clara nodded her head. “I don’t know what to say Mira, really I don’t.”

“No one ever does.” I said a little moodily.

“But I do know that it’s this life you have to get to grips with. Somehow you need to leave the previous one behind. If you can find something that truly absorbs you I’m sure the dreams and memories will begin to subside. You’ve said yourself you’re not satisfied with the work you do so that’s a good place to start. If your intellect could be used in a more fulfilling area you wouldn’t be worrying about your previous life, you wouldn’t have time.”

“I have tried,” I whined a little, “But no one seems interested because I haven’t been to university.”

“You’ve got to make them interested! Oh Mira come on, you have it all ahead of you, go out there and grab what is rightfully yours.”

I stared at her in confusion.

“The right to an exciting, challenging, happy and beautiful life!” She sighed dramatically, “I can’t believe I even have to say that to a bright young thing like you.”

We ate our food in silence. Me thinking how right she was but how on earth would I achieve all that? Her probably thinking what an idiot loser her niece was.

Eventually I said, “I know you are right of course but it’s just working out what I want and how to make it happen.”

“You wanted Ryan and you did your best to make something happen with him.”

No I didn’t, I thought sadly, Scarlett had pushed me his way and I’d fancied him but although I’d imagined in the humble kitchen of my lodgings that we were connected on a deeper level, the reality turned out to be very different. The only effort I made was to buy clothes I thought he might like. Now I didn’t even like him, let alone fancy him. I let her have her fantasy that I had even been in with a chance but until I understood myself, I certainly couldn’t be ready to understand anyone else or be a worthwhile partner to them.

All this self-analysis made me thirsty and I gazed at my empty wine glass with embarrassment. Aunty’s was still almost full.

Aunty Clara smile at me, “Would you like another?”

I smiled back, “I certainly would but I have to go back to work.”

“Live dangerously,” She chuckled and beckoned to the waiter.

“What I’ll do is have a think Mira, I might have some contacts or Tammy might, who can get you started on something but you need to seriously appraise your talents and come up with a plan. Plans can change you know, you don’t have to make some major commitment but sometimes we end up doing the things we least expected. I wanted to be a dress designer in my teens and I ended up as a buyer. There’s no harm in a variation on your dreams, eighty percent achieved is better than fifty percent or less, remember that.” She waggled a bony finger at me, “Never be too proud to ask for help. We are family darling; I want you to be as happy as my two are, even when they drive me nuts with their ambitions!”

I laughed, “I can’t imagine ever having as glamorous life as either of them!” The wine arrived and I took a grateful swig. The wine and my aunt both made me feel much more positive. I wondered if I’d still be feeling like this when I caught the tube home. A thought occurred to me, “If I mustn’t be too proud to ask for help, then neither must you.”

Aunty Clara frowned and picked at the remnants of food on her plate. She pretended not to know what I was referring to but I could tell she knew full well. “We’ll see dear, what happens.”

Emboldened by alcohol and gripped by a huge wave of protective affection I reached a hand across the table and grasped hers. “You must be frightened, I would be, but please let me help you. Have those tests. If they don’t know what’s wrong with you, how can they treat it?”

Tears welled in her eyes and she squeezed my fingers. “I’m just a silly frightened old lady.”

“And I’m a silly frightened young lady so we make a right pair don’t we?”

We both laughed but with little humour.

Before I was born onto land… I was a fish

Also by Petra Kidd

The Eight of Swords

The Putsi

You can connect with Petra Kidd via Twitter @PetraKidd or visit her

Facebook page here Petra Kidd Writes

Chapter Nineteen of Before I was born will be posted on

Sunday 7th April

Mar24

Before I was born…Chapter Seventeen

Posted on March 24, 2013 by petrakidd

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The disappointing dinner date..

Smoothing the pale blue dress over my hips I flinched a little at how they’d grown. Child bearing hips my mother would call them. I sighed. At least I hadn’t been given too long to stress out over this dinner date with Ryan. I imagined him busy in the kitchen, cool, calm and skillfully chopping carrots. I sighed with happy anticipation.

My feet felt sore; I’d decided to walk home from work to lose a few pounds. I pulled a pair of old high-heeled sandals from under my bed and put them on. They looked a little worn but he wouldn’t notice, or would he? Stop worrying Mira I chided myself as I fastened the buckle. They did look nice with the blue dress. I smoothed volume cream through my lank locks and stared at my face in the mirror wondering how little makeup I could get away with. I always seemed to be reading interviews with men who said they didn’t like too much, Ryan may well be of the same opinion. My washed out face stared back, well maybe he’d have to like a little extra makeup after all. I imagined smudges of my concealer on his pillow and smiled.

I phoned for a taxi and waited impatiently on the sofa for it to come, the house silent and empty around me. Daisy and Scarlett would be late back from the club and Maddy either off with Goddard or the pottery teacher.

Hearing a toot outside I grabbed my bag, hastily locked the front door and clambered into the back seat of a rather large people carrier. I called out Ryan’s address to the driver who merely gave a grunt and pulled off. The twenty-minute ride passed rapidly and suddenly I felt the driver pull up his handbrake. “That’s fifteen love.”

Don’t ‘love’me, I thought and pulled notes out of my purse.

Ryan’s house stood before me, a three-storey palace compared to the rundown mess we lived in. I stared up at the front door and pressed the third bell down. I remembered him explaining the house had been divided into flats. More like luxury apartments I thought peering through the basement window. Eventually a buzzer sounded and I pushed open the door to see a long corridor stretch before me, and a staircase to my right. I started up the stairs cursing my swollen toes spreading over the end of my sandals resembling very pink pork sausages. Luckily I only had to climb one flight before I came face to face with Ryan’s front door. My heart flipped as I gently tapped it.

A few moments passed before the door slowly opened to reveal a very tall auburn-haired beauty. I must have the wrong apartment I thought, and opened my mouth to explain but as I did so she spoke. “Ah you must be Mira?”

A thud of disappointment sounded in my belly; her dreamy moss-colour eyes sparkled at me. “Do come in, Ryan’s in the kitchen.” She opened the door wide to let me in and I thought of my hips. “I’m Catya.”

An exotic name to match her beauty, I felt all my confidence crumble away in an instant and mentally wiped concealer off Ryan’s pillow. Why invite me to dinner when he plainly had a far superior date lined up? Perhaps someone had left a window open I could crawl out of; I glanced around as she led me down the narrow corridor.

I could see the back of Ryan through the open kitchen door but Catya waved a long arm in the direction of what turned out to be his sitting room. “Ryan babes, Mira’s here.” Ryan babes? No, please no.

My eyes took in the room before they registered the people sitting in it. A high ceiling, arty prints on the walls, a huge book case, a large sofa at one end and an oval dining table at the other, understated chic I suppose is how it might have been described in an interiors article. Then I spotted Ted and Katie squashed together in a large armchair. Ted gave me a delighted grin and Katie managed a haughty nod.

“Hello there,” Called Ted “Glad you could make it at such short notice, nice to see you again.”

I tried to smile but only managed a tense grimace.

A chubby chap leapt off the sofa and grabbed my hand, “Hello I’m Digby.” If he hadn’t told me his name I’d have guessed from the way he looked. He definitely had been given the right name. He resembled a teddy bear with an unruly thatch of hair; stick out ears and a double chin. When he’d finished his long shake of my hand I surreptitiously wiped the sweat onto the skirt of my dress.

Another guest stood over by the fireplace in the centre of the room, a long lanky body curved towards me and a hand waved in a circular motion of greeting. Catya pointed him out as Quentin. Quentin and Digby, Catya, Ted, Katie and me, great I thought. Ryan’s voice came from behind me. “Hi Mira, sorry I wasn’t here to make the introductions, let me get you a drink.”

My fantasies of this soiree dissolved like painkillers in water. Right now I needed to drink that solution to rid myself of the searing ache of disappointment. No romantic dinner featuring Ryan and myself as the stars, no awkward first kiss; no concealer on the pillow. Ted asked how Scarlett was, I mumbled about her tooth getting fixed. Catya handed me a glass of bubbly white wine and I stared at the pale liquid wanting to glug it all down straight away. “I love this stuff,” She smiled and as much as I wanted to hate her, all I could do was admire her Nicole Kidman looks. Her thinness suggested that all she lived on was bubbly white wine. I nodded politely and sipped.

Ryan excused himself to go and check the oven.

Digby grinned at me, “Nice dress, you look nice.” Nice? Oh great. I nodded in appreciation at his compliment. Awkward silence gripped the room.

I searched the corners of my rapidly shrinking brain for a question to ask him. “Are you a vet too?” I remembered asking Katie the same question and blushed as she stared in my direction.

“No, I’m a mortician.”

I had a sudden flashback to my dream of the Ouija board, had he been in it? I couldn’t remember.

Ryan appeared with a plate of garlic bread; Catya took it from him and started to hand it around. I didn’t want any; I knew it would stick in my throat. Whenever I felt anxious my throat closed up, and right now I felt positively angst ridden. Who had I been invited to match make with, chubby Digby the dead body dabbler or lanky silent Quentin? Humiliation didn’t seem a long enough word for what I felt.

“We ought to sit down at the table now; Ryan’ll be ready to serve in a minute.” Catya stood in the middle of the room her auburn hair catching the light. I studied her elegant form, simply clad in bright blue perfectly fitting jeans and a dark green shirt, she wore a long gold necklace and the whole outfit looked effortlessly superb. I wanted to hate her but all I could do was admire her. Digby winked and a wave of nausea flooded through me. Catya glided off into the kitchen to assist and I thought of when Ryan helped me clear the dishes at our impromptu dinner party a week ago. Obediently the awkward company filed to the table and chose seats.

There were candles on the table. Ted turned the overhead light off and made a joke about it being more romantic. Digby grinned at me and I felt bile rise in my chest.

Ryan and Catya appeared with armfuls of dishes bearing bug-eyed trout. Katie grinned with pleasure, “Oh my favourite.”

Ryan grinned back at her, “I couldn’t have done it without Catya, she’s a whizz in the kitchen. These are cooked to perfection.”

The smell of dead fish permeated my nostrils and I wondered if Digby felt the same sense of fear when surrounded by dead bodies of his own kind. His rotundity suggested the nature of his work didn’t put him off his food.

The plates were barely on the table when Katie asked Digby if he thought embalming fluids could be used in beauty treatments.

I sat wondering what to do. I gazed over at Ryan who only had eyes for Catya, understandably.

I picked at the vegetables and mentally apologized to the trout for it being on my plate.

Katie noticed me hovering with my fork. “It won’t bite y’know, it’s dead.”

“I don’t eat fish.” Everyone stared at me, including silent Quentin.

Ryan furrowed his brow with concern or irritation, which, I couldn’t tell. “Oh Mira, I didn’t know, I’m so sorry.”

I couldn’t say a word. Sorry certainly wasn’t adequate for this major nightmare of an evening. Sorry didn’t pay for my blue dress. Sorry didn’t banish Catya, or for that matter Digby or any of the others. Sorry didn’t make up for the lack of opportunity to leave concealer on his pillow. If I could’ve called back the taxi and escaped or crawled under the table and wept, I would have done.

Instead I had to pick around the dead fish while I listened to Digby describe the intricacies of embalming.

Eventually Ryan forced himself away from Catya and tried to make conversation with me.

“How’s Maddy and Daisy?”

“Fine.”

“Where are you working at the moment?”

“Just temping on Tottenham Court Road.” I’d already told him this on Sunday. Why had he come out with us when he had the stunning Catya at home? I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him.

In an attempt to end the agony I turned to Quentin and asked if he liked cooking. His long fingers were gingerly pulling the head off the trout, which made me wince.

“Not really, I live on takeaways.”

I managed to sit through the meal and eat only broccoli and a couple of potatoes. Ryan squeezed round the table to pick up my plate. “Not hungry?”

“Not really.”

“Well you must have some of Catya’s dessert, it’s delicious. To be honest, I have tried some, I just couldn’t resist.”

How could he resist anything to do with Catya? She seemed positively edible herself.

In spite of aching to throw the plate at the wall, I did eat the dessert and of course enjoyed every last mouthful, through gritted teeth.

Digby kept trying to catch my eye. Eventually I rewarded him by returning his gaze. I telepathically sent the message I am not interested in you, you chubby creepy little man. Digby smiled amiably back at me, obviously not telepathic.

The hot eye pursuit continued throughout coffees even though I pointedly turned to talk to Katie and blanked him out. I could feel his eyes upon me, much like a dog waiting to be fed.

As I listened to Katie drone on about beauty treatments I caught snippets of Ryan and Ted discussing their veterinary clients. Catya listened to them adoringly.

Digby got up to go to the toilet and trailed the back of his hand across my shoulders as he squeezed by. I shuddered. Ryan spotted him do it and grinned at me. If looks could kill mine should have squeezed the life out of him there and then but he seemed oblivious to my fury.

Patiently I waited through the coffees listening to Katie drone on about beauty treatments while keeping an eye on how close Catya sat to Ryan, hanging on his every word, gently squeezing his arm when he made a joke. When she got up to offer everyone another drink I stood up and started to make my excuses to leave.

“But you can’t go yet it’s still early!” Ryan tapped his wristwatch to emphasize the time.

Oh yes I can, I thought, blood rushing to my face. “I’ve an early start tomorrow and I don’t want to drink too much. Can I get my coat Catya?” I pleaded. I wanted to cry, I’d wasted good money on a dress and a taxi all to find out Ryan already had a girlfriend and was obviously trying to fix me up with a chubby, sweaty mortician. How humiliating could one evening be?

“Look if you don’t mind waiting for a bit, I could run you home in my car,” Said Digby clearly unaware of how totally unattractive I found him. He seemed thrilled by the prospect and Ryan grinned at him, “That would be kind Digs; it’s not a cheap taxi fare for her from here.”

Catya stood holding my coat and to my horror I watched as Digby rather forcefully grabbed it from her, produced car keys from his pocket and waved me over “Come on, I won’t hear of you getting a taxi,”

Ryan nodded approvingly.

So I found myself heading home in a large black hearse with an over eager mortician. The perfect end to the perfect evening I thought bitterly.

We sat in silence for some minutes like a couple that have had a row. Then Digby suddenly said, “You were rather rude tonight.” My mouth dropped open at the shock of such audacity.

He continued, “If looks could kill you would have been a serial killer.” He chuckled at his own little joke. “Do you have some kind of problem?”

I could hardly explain my feelings for Ryan when it had been so obvious he only had eyes for the stunning and perfect hostess Catya. Besides Digby and Ryan were friends so how could I trust him with anything I said? I didn’t feel I owed Digby with his sweaty hands and penchant for playing ‘catchy’ eyes any explanation for my mood.

I remained silent ignoring his question. When the hearse finally pulled up outside our house, I politely but coolly thanked him for the lift. I waited for him to release the door locks but he didn’t. “Despite your mood tonight I like you. Why don’t you ring me up sometime and we’ll go for a drink.” He handed me a card emblazoned with the name of the funeral directors he worked for, his own name printed in bold typeface beneath the logo.

Eager to be rid of him I nodded and managed a weak smile. Unfortunately he took this as encouragement, “When do you think you’ll give me a call then? Perhaps you should give me your number too.”

I had the feeling he might be the kind of man who actually got turned on by stroppy behaviour so I sighed and said “Oh really soon I should think,” With just a hint of sarcasm. I could always pass his name onto Maddy I supposed when she grew bored with Goddard and the pottery teacher. This seemed to satisfy him, he gave my knee a brief pat, said “Good girl” and much to my relief released the locks.

As I sped up the garden path I saw Maddy standing open mouthed watching the hearse drive off. “Don’t ask,” I snarled at her.

I pushed open the front door with some force, kicked off my shoes and headed for the kitchen.

Maddy followed, “What are you doing, I thought you went out for dinner? Daisy said..”

“I’m starving, they served up trout! All I’ve eaten is broccoli and a couple of potatoes.”

“They? He took you to a restaurant? Daisy said..”

“Never mind what Daisy said, Ryan is a bastard and Digby is a creep, that’s all you need to know!” I spat the words with such venom I shocked myself. The hurt of the evening tumbled out of my mouth; I felt a spasm under my left eye as I recounted the tale of my disappointing evening to a wide-eyed Maddy.

Maddy handed me a bottle of beer. “So who is Catya then?”

“How the hell should I know? She appeared from nowhere and acted as hostess. What a nightmare! I knew it had to be too good to be true, Ryan inviting me for dinner so soon.” I swigged at the beer spilling it down my chin.

“Y’know, the last thing I need right now is losing Ryan to Catya and being chased by a chubby coffin carrier.”

Maddy giggled.

“Maddy,” I said sternly, “My life is becoming a nightmare, when I’m asleep it’s nothing but weird dreams and now my waking life is equally horrible. It’s alright for you, you have two men wrapped around your little fingers, Lucy is always pulling, even Hetty is madly in love but me, I have no one and worse than that I don’t know what career I want and I live in this hovel!” I felt tears burn my eyeballs and turned away.

“You could always hook up with Daisy,” Sniggered Maddy.

“Thanks for taking me seriously.” I sniffled biting into a lump of stale bread smothered with creamy cheese. I took another swig of beer to wash it down.

Maddy laughed, “You are being too, how you say? Dramatic. You are attractive, intelligent, you have great fameely, and your friends, they not so bad. Start enjoying life instead of trying to understand eet all the time.”

“Easy for you to say.”

“Leeve in the moment.”

I remembered she had spent the evening with the pottery teacher and therefore seemed to be seeing things with a rose tinted glaze. “Believe me, there are moments I don’t wish to live in. So I’m guessing you had fun tonight?”

“When all the class went home he produced a bottle of champagne and two glasses. I say ‘I thought we were going out for a dreenk’ he say: in dead sexy voice ‘eet’s more private and cosy here’ and then he give me very private pottery tueetion.” She squeezed one eye in an elaborate wink.

For the first time that evening I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Uh, y’know the feelm Ghost? Well we re-enacted eet, but more naughty!” She giggled again at the memory.

While Maddy had been re-enacting a scene from the film Ghost, I’d had a mortician trying to flirt with me, as the irony struck I started to laugh myself into mild hysteria.

Maddy stared at me,” Why so funny?”

I pointed out the connection.

“Ooh well eef you don’t want him..”

“Maddy!”

Before I was born onto land… I was a fish